Conversation Starter

Having kids is like the universal ice breaker.  I have talked to more strangers in the last two years than I have my entire life.  And I can honestly say it's all been positive.  Even if people aren't in love with my kids on sight, even if they don't find their shrill screams adorable, they will at the very least offer me a nod of condolence, or a small sigh and a "Hang in there.  It gets better."

And that's what's amazing about the human race.  People making eye contact with a stranger just to let them know they're not alone.  And sometimes you just need that.  Today, for example, I was in the public bathroom at Barnes and Noble dealing with a Tula poop situation and she started screaming bloody murder while flailing her limbs, all four of which somehow got poop all over them within seconds, which made me scream, which made her scream more, which made Addie scream because she didn't know why we were all screaming.

When we finally exited the stall, a woman who had entered at prime-time scream-time said, "Well, aren't these just the prettiest little girls I've ever seen."

And that made me cry.

Not only did she not get upset at me for making her bathroom break torturous, but she then complimented us?  Maybe she was drunk, but I don't care.  It made me so grateful I almost hugged her.  But I hadn't washed my hands yet, so I refrained and just stood there smiling like a dumb idiot while my pretty little girls got impatient with me and lost their ever loving shit.  Again.

And then she said, "What beautiful eyes." As they were both wailing.  And walked out, because I mean c'mon, wouldn't you?

And they do.  They really do have beautiful eyes.  After people say that they always look up to me to compliment my beautiful blue eyes as well, and then stop awkwardly because I don't have blue eyes.  And so they ask if it's from their father.  I say no, but the mailman was gorgeous.

Gorge.

Goofball.

Happiest baby on the block.  Unless my milk is running low.  Then it's screamiest baby on the block.  If girlfriend doesn't get her milk fast enough she is louder than a jet engine.

Freshly fed and totally excited about her new seat!  

The truth is they get their eyes from their grandmas.  They both have beautiful blue eyes.  Lucky ladies, all four of them.

Pablo Picassette

Sometimes the house gets all peaceful and quiet, and it's almost magical, like I can daydream for a second and then I realize ohholdup - why's it so quiet? WHERE ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!

Because a quiet toddler is like the eye of a storm.  Sure it seems nice and peaceful but before you know it - Bam! your trailer is turned upside down into the Dairy Queen and there's gum in your eyebrows.

So, the other day I was having one of these moments when all of a sudden I hear Adeline scream, "Mommy! I painted my button!"

Sure enough. . . 

Belly button, chest, and hands.

 Showing off her handy work.

 And then she somehow escaped and touched EVERY SURFACE SHE POSSIBLY COULD.

Productivity

I've decided until my children are out of the house I should just give up.  I really want to be productive when they're asleep but it's the only time I have alone and lately this is how it works:

"Babies are asleep I should reorganize my closet." Looks at pants. Looks at pants really hard.  

"Ooh, is that a bag of skittles in my sweat pants I hid from Addie last week?" It totally is.  Decide this is a sign from God I should take a moment and eat the Skittles while watching an episode of The Walking Dead.

Two Weeks later, the Skittle are gone, and I've totally caught up with the zombies and am now prepared to stab Josh in the head with a shiv if he dies so he won't turn.  Because I love him.  And now I define affection based on who I think wouldn't hesitate to cut off my leg if I got bit so the virus wouldn't spread. Also, I don't sleep.  Because I'm scared all the time.

Another nap time comes around.

"I should really finish reorganizing my closet." Do not care that only looked at pants last time, as the effort of actually going into the closet with the intent to do something is good energy into the universe, and good energy means good karma, and karma comes back to you, so probably closet will organize itself at some point. Mission Accomplished!  Obviously, should reward myself with more Skittles and some Downton Abbey.

Two weeks later, my closet is still unorganized, and I'm pretty sure I have two cavities.

One day I will be productive!  It will happen!

As long as TV is done and they run out of Skittles.  And books.  And needlepoint.  And pencils and paper.  And I lose all pictures of my teeny tiny babies.  And all pictures of my cat.  And the dog.  And I can't bake anymore because ovens are extinct.  Then!  Maybe then, I will be able to do productive things like reorganize my closet.

Or maybe not.

I just wanna eat their faces off.

 Hahaha the look Tula is giving Addie!  

"Gurrrrl!  You crazy!"

Not The Best Under Pressure

Well, based on the way I just reacted to finding a very scary life-like doll of Addie's buried under some clothes in my closet I think it's safe to say I am not the one you want to stand behind when zombie's attack.

Or maybe I am, because I pretty much froze with total terror as my brain tried to make sense of what I was seeing.  I thought it was my cat, whom we haven't seen in like six months, and then my brain told me - well if that's the cat, he's been here dead for a long time, and then my brain said - but wait it doesn't smell like he's dead, so he's probably just come back for a nap, but then my brain said - oh hell no, that cat doesn't just waltz in after six months and take a nap, he knows he's in big trouble if he doesn't come say hi to me, so then my brain said - he is dead here in your closet, but he doesn't smell because clearly he's some sort of zombie/ghost/undead cat and you better move or he's going to kill you.

And all that time I was thinking and trembling if it actually had been a zombie cat I'd be dead right now so yeah, stand behind me and use me as a shield then run.

You're welcome.

In other news, Adeline was doing so good with potty training and now she's decided she's over it.  She refuses to go in the potty despite the fact she knows she gets treats if she does.  She's just exerting some control in a very messy way.

I did wake up to find this the other day though:

Apparently her stuffed raccoon told her he had to go potty.  I hope she gave him his M&Ms.

She loves brushing her teeth.  She'll brush all day long if you let her.  She's probably just sucking off the toothpaste, but still.  It seems good.

She's also totally into painting right now.  Often she ends up going rogue and painting the dishes, but that's ok.  It's art.

Not to be left out, Tula does things too.  Like here she's discovered her feet.  She grabs them and desperately tries to get them in her mouth, because she's ADORABLE!

Also, in case you were wondering, yes, I did have chips and salsa for breakfast. And no, I don't feel bad about it!

Group Effort

Sometimes when Josh is gone at night for a business meeting or something, or on the occasion I've had the girls by myself for a weekend it makes me TOTALLY realize why people say stuff like, "We stayed together for the children."

I always thought it meant they stayed together for the well-being of the children, and while that's important for sure, I think the real reason they say it is because, Man it's hard to be a single parent.  That shit is not easy.  Even if it's just someone to commiserate with at the end of the day, it's easier.

My hat is off to all the single parents out there.  I don't know how you do it, sometimes you just have to yell, "I don't have to poop but I'm gonna go poop for about a half an hour right now, and even though I'm not really pooping, I need that time to poop, do you understand what I'm saying?"

And then you hide in the bathroom for about five gloriously-gorgeous-no-yelling-no-one-puking-in-your-hair-annoyingly-loud-toy-free alone minutes before the kids escape and find you, and then once you're out of the bathroom, that's when dang it, that's when you realize you really do have to poop, and good luck doing that alone now!

Because that's how life works folks.

Parenthood.  It means never pooping alone.

But you also get to have conversations like this one.  So that's a major plus.



Addie demonstrates how to properly wear underwear:

Halloween

I don't think you really know how much you're turning into your parents until you actually become a parent yourself.

One Halloween my mom completely forgot about it until that day and ended up sewing balls of cotton thread onto our footie pajamas and painting our cheeks with lipstick and called us all clowns.

This year the holiday is slowly creeping up on me and though I keep thinking about it, it doesn't mean I've actually done anything about it.  It's just how my life goes right now - I think really hard about how I need to fold the laundry, and yet when I look at the pile again it's still there.  Weird.  

Anyway, in an effort to get on the ball I asked Addie what she wanted to be for Halloween the other day and she said, "Saturday."

So, that's gonna be tricky to figure out.

Tula on the other hand was easy.  I've already got her costume done.  Parenting win!

She's the old guy from Up!

I love this movie so much.

Addie might just go as a teenager because that's what she's been acting like lately.  Sassy, sleepy, and eating everything she can.  Lately when I've been going in to get her after her nap she refuses to get out of bed yelling, "No! Addie's restin' right now."  

"You are? But you just took a three hour nap."

"Addie's sleepin'. Mommy get Addie new blankie."

"Excuse me?"

"Please. Mommy do it. Now."

She then asked specifically for "Auntie Becky's blankie." 

She looks so small and cuddly in this picture.

Until you get close up and realize she's scowling at me because I daned to try to sing to her.  God forbid.  How embarrassing, Mom.

And hour later she was finally ready to get up and be cute.

Mood swings.  Well, hello being a girl.  Way to show up early!

Josh is thinking about going as a bald eagle (ha) and having Tula be part of his baby birds, but I'm not sure.  The Up costume is too cute!

One more time for the cheap seats!

I pretty much almost explode with love and want to punch something when I look at this picture because I love it so much.

Fall

We went to a nearby farm yesterday where they have a pumpkin patch and hayrides, and goats, and pigs and all that good farm-y stuff.  One of the baby goats escaped and ran right toward us like a puppy, jumping up on Addie and trying to eat the food out of her pockets and it did not scare her at all.

The harmless pumpkin patch on the other hand, that freaked her out.

She would not leave my side and she was very concerned about this particular pumpkin.  It had another pumpkin growing out of it, LIKE SOME SORT OF MONSTER.

It wasn't even a real pumpkin patch, they'd taken all these pumpkins and spread them out in a field and let you pick them. Grandpa thinks it's because you'd lose the kids in a real pumpkin patch, but I think it's more likely their marijuana farm is dangerously close to their pumpkin farm and they don't want nosy pumpkin getters to ruin their profesh drug ring/slave trade they have going on because that's where the real cash comes from and they just launder it through the guise of running a little ol' farm.

But I have been watching a lot of HBO, so I could be wrong.

Still very worried about the pumpkins.

Tula on the other hand could not have been more thrilled.

After pumpkin patching we came home and Tula decided to work on her crawling skills.  She's not doing it yet, she sort of lays on her stomach and flails her arms and legs around like she's pretending to paddle out to surf, but even that seems like a lot for a four month old!  You're too little to start crawling little missy!  Addie wasn't even really flipping over until she was like nine months old.  At this rate she'll probably be in a big girl bed before Addie.  

Showing off.  Lucy is supervising.

Addie decided to get down and show Tula how it's done.

"She you start like this..."

"And then ., . . Ugh. I can't. . . I don't remember what comes next."

"Just move your feet, something will happen.  Right?  Mom? Help!"

Behind The Scenes

I've decided my girls are going to nap until High School.

That is all.

Except I'm dreading the day they stop napping.  Even more than that, I'm dreading the day Addie gets moved out of her crib. She's already requesting a pillow when she goes to bed, next it'll be a canopy, a feather duvet, and no more bars holding her in!

Luckily she loves her crib right now and pretty much refuses to get out of it when I go in to get her up in the mornings or after a nap.  She'll take her breakfast right there thankyouverymuch.  But some day I'll have to take the crib down, and then she'll be able to amble around the room at will, and open the door and I hear it's illegal to lock children in their rooms so that's gonna be rough.

Also, I just wanted you to share the behind the scenes of picture taking.  Because kids, they're not always super cute.

Sometimes pictures turn out adorable like this:

Ridiculously cute.

But before that, are nine hundred pictures that look like this:

Get ooooooooooff.

And then sometimes you just get this:

And this:

Because asking her to smile is like telling her you just punched her kitten.

 Also, this happened:

Oh hey winter.  YOU'RE EARLY.

Private Area

Adeline is really into body parts right now.  Especially private parts.  She's really into private parts.  Probably because they're private and she is totally curious about anything that's off limits. 

For a while when she was learning what the different parts were they would just come up at random times, like when we'd take walks, as if she'd needed to clear her head and think it over, and then she'd walk up to this particular bush we'd pass and yell, "Penis, Daddy's private AREA!" and then keep on walking.  I'm not sure what that bush did to deserve to be yelled at every day about private areas, but it happened a lot.

Now that she's more confident she likes to label people, so anytime Grandma and Grandpa come over it's, "Gradma have vagina, Grandpa have penis." And if she's feeling sassy she'll say, "Grandma have penis," and then laugh hysterically at her own joke.

Yesterday we went to the doctor and then this happened:

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Where'd Mommy go?"

"I'm right here."

"Yeah. Have boobs."

"Yes, Mommy has boobs."

"Mommy have vagina."

"Yes I do."

"Where Dr. Hopson go?"

*just then he walks in*

"Hello Adeline."

"DR. HOPSON HAVE PENIS!"

"That's the weirdest greeting I've ever gotten."

"At least she didn't tell you that you had a vagina."

That's my daughter.  Making things awkward since 2013. 

 I'm so proud.

In totally unrelated news we went to an alpaca farm this weekend.  Well, it's not totally unrelated, we were schooled on which alpacas had which genitalia during the visit, so that was fun.

You can't tell from this picture, but there were literally hundreds of alpacas there.  Alpaca? Alpaci? 

Friendly, cute little suckers.

What up, we're alpacas.  We're soft and weird.

This one is winking at Addie.  She probably just told him he had a penis and he agreed.  He's really good with kids.

Special Time

A good way to make sure the kids wake up early from their nap is to break out the cross stitch, get yourself all situated, and happy, maybe a cozy blanket around your legs and a fun little stitchy-stitch in front of you, needle all threaded and whatnot, because the second you're ready to start - BLAMO! It's cry city.

On a similar note breaking out the cross stitch is also a good way to never get laid.

But does that stop me? Nooooooooooo. Because I have a Memento-like memory for what makes my babies wake up and what makes people not want to make-out with me.  For instance, I also still insist on cutting off my hair and starting a really good book.

Oh, you're comfy? WELL, WE'RE AWAKE THEN!

Along those lines, something weird happened the other day.  My sleeping partner and I found ourselves with a rare moment of quiet to ourselves and decided to catch up on some cuddling and Duck Dynasty.  Mid-way through Duck Dynasty though Josh's armpits started sweating all over me.  Now, it was a warm day, but not that warm, and he had just taken a shower, so I let it go and kept watching Uncle Sal be crazy.

But it was getting worse, and it was totally weird because Josh is not a sweaty guy even while he's working out but I didn't want to ruin the cuddly moment, so I kept quiet, but I just kept thinking to myself, What the hell is going on? Maybe he has a thyroid problem? Did he eat something really spicy right before we sat down? I should call the doctor and see if he has a thyroid problem.  Wait, does your thyroid make you sweat? Maybe it's lymph nodes.  A gland. It's some sort of gland.  I'll have the doctor check all his glands.  Maybe it was extra water caught in his armpit hair from the shower? Oh my god how much armpit hair does he have!? That's probably a follicle problem all that armpit hair. None on his head and they all ended up in his armpits to hold onto water like some sort of weird armpit-rain-forest.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and sat up.

"Why are you so sweaty?" he asked before I could say anything.

"Why are YOU so sweaty?"

And then we both looked down to our sopping wet shirts.

Turns out, it was not Josh at all.  I had fantastically leaked breast milk all over both of us during our cuddle sesh and didn't even know.  I was literally laying in a puddle of my own breast milk.

HAWT.

This is why I don't understand how single moms do it.  How are you supposed to date when you can potentially leak bodily fluids onto your date?

The good news is Josh does not have any sort of thyroid, glandular or nodular problems.  He also is kind enough to stay silent while he thought I was sweating all over him, and I him.

The magic is not gone, people!  We still love each other enough to watch tv with each other covered in sweat.  Or breast milk as the case may be.

Tula thinks it's funny.  Until she realizes that's her food I just bathed in.

Addie had a really good hair day the other day.  

Tunnel Hiking

The great thing about living in Bozeman is that you have (most) comforts of a city (one Starbucks, one movie theater, 70 billion steak restaurants, a hospital, Justin Timberlake's house, Michael Keaton's house, Jeff Bridges' house, and one of the best Targets in the whole United States. My sister, who lives within a five mile radius of five different Targets in LA, prefers to shop at the Bozeman Target because they have better clothes, and there are never any lines. *sigh* I love Target.)

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah.  So, you get the semi-comforts of a city and the joys of nature right outside your door.  There are so many trails in Bozeman that I've lived here over three years and haven't even tried half of them, all of which are either right outside our door, or a short ten minute drive away.  Lately we've been taking the little ladies on a hike on the weekend, and not only is it beautiful, but it just reminds me of how lucky we are to live here.

When I was a kid we went on a trip to Ireland and we wasted an entire roll of film on some cows that were crossing the road.  Because ohmygawd, COWS! In the road! What kind of old fashioned magic is this!?

But to Addie this is a normal thing.  The other day I was driving to Target (where else?) and she said, "Addie see cows Mommy?"

"You want to see cows?"

"Yeah. And horseys!"

"Horseys?"

"Please Mommy! Horseys! Moooo!"

And because I can't deny my daughter when she's excitedly screaming that horseys say moo, I made a left and bam! I was able to produce horseys AND cows.  And a deer.  I mean - c'mon.  Fuck yeah for nature showing up.

And then we were at Target five minutes later.

Now if only I could talk my entire family into moving here it'd be perfect.

The other day we literally rolled out of bed and took the girls on a little hike walk thing.  Here's proof we literally rolled out of bed.  Tula is still in her pjs, and I'm apparently sleep-hiking.

Me: Durrrrr.

Tula: What the hell is going on?

There was a tunnel on our walk.  Addie ran through it about twenty times she was so excited. Kids are so easy.  Who needs Disneyland when you have a graffiti-covered, probable nighttime drug den of a tunnel?!

Stopping to admire the drawings. "What's that mom?"

"That's a bad word."

"Addie likes that one."

"Of course you do."

Running. Girlfriend likes to book it.

HORSEYS! MOOOOOOOO.

I mean, seriously? Shut up you two.  There's too much cute for me to handle right now. 

California Love

If you didn't sing that title in an auto-tune, Tupac voice in your head, I'm not sure if we can still be friends.

Ok, so one of my favorite moments from my trip home was not the half hour screaming meltdown Addie threw because we WALKED AROUND THE BLOCK THE WRONG DIRECTION.  Oh the horror! Sometimes her life is really shitty people.  Clockwise?  Clockwise?!  What was I thinking! I'm pretty sure she petitioned to have my mother card taken away from me that night.

But no, that was not my favorite.  One of my favorite moments was when my good friend Katie came to visit with Gina, and their two little ones.

Hi Katie!

Hey Isabella, what's going on with your hand there? Did you just high five yourself in the face?

She's fine! And so cute it's borderline illegal.

Anyway, they came, and we were talking about potty training, I was saying how Addie is doing pretty well, and Katie was saying how Isabella says she has to go then throws a huge tantrum once you get her on the potty - normal mom-convo stuff - and then Addie actually demonstrated and went and used the potty!  

Yay for not peeing on Auntie's couch!  

But then Isabella said, "Bella go potty." to which Katie stood up, pointed her finger in her daughter's face, and yelled, "BULLSHIT!"

Oh my god, I'm still laughing.

For the record, Isabella just smiled and went back to pushing Addie's toys around. Kids are great.

Oh, and in case you noticed up there, while I was home I went ahead and chopped off all my hair. Just a fun little surprise for my baby daddy.  Guys love it when you majorly change your appearance right?

Here's a side view.  And a sleeping baby.  If I could fit her in my mouth, I WOULD PUT HER THERE AND CHEW HER UP.

The good news is he did like it.  And I love it.  Of course the bad news is, I have curly hair, so to have my hair look like this I have to straighten all these tiny little pieces.  It's more work than doing a mosaic of George Clooney with bottle caps. And if I wear it curly I look like a lesbian from the 90's.  I know you're picturing it in your head right now.  You know what I mean.

More on our trip tomorrow.  For now, here are some photos.

The girl loves bath time.  She's fantastic.

BOOOOOOOOOZERS

Leah, Addie, and Penelope.  I mean.  Shut your face.  This picture kills me.  Cousins are the best.

  Loving when her sister naps and we can spend time just the two of us. It's like we're on a secret date.  It's bonding time, even if it means she sits and reads me stories while I fold laundry. Sometimes I miss her so much during the day, even though she's with me it's so hard to give her any individual attention, so I frequently want to wake her up at midnight and bring her to bed with me to cuddle.  But then I remember she's 2 parts cuddly, 8 parts hitting you in the face for fun and I decide to just wait until the next time her sister is asleep to cuddle with her so I can at least defend myself.