Monday, April 14, 2014

How I Know They're Mine

It's been so long since I've posted that when I went to type in the web address to write a new post I could not remember it for like three minutes.

But that's been happening a lot lately.  I made a sort of lent-y resolution to myself (I know lent is for giving stuff up, but I have no vices)(she says eating a huge thing of chocolate, downing her second Starbucks of the day and sniffing an unlit cigarette left at her house by recent visitors)(I'm not gonna smoke it, but I like to pretend I might!)(That thing is gonna be so soggy with my fake smoking it it's probably going to start growing things on it.)

Anyway.  So, I made a resolution to stop bumping into things, dropping things, losing things, and breaking things.  Basically to BE MORE AWARE of my body and what it was doing, because honestly, most of the time, like since birth, I walk around like a well-meaning bull in a china shop.  But my resolution has not helped me settle the f down when it comes to sharp edges of furniture.  It's like I get into a room and suddenly a magnetic pull draws me to the nearest corner where I jab some part of my body on it, reach down to soothe my injured body part, spilling the contents of my bag all over the floor, reach down even further to pick up the contents of my bag, drop my latte in just the right way so the lid comes off but miraculously no liquid spills out, and then drop my cell phone into my latte, thus making my morning about 99% on par with every other morning up in here.

It's like making the resolution hasn't solved anything, it's just made me more aware of how Jennifer Lawrence I am.  But in a not cute way.

So, basically, things have been a bit jangled around here.

But we did get a few well-deserved, and cherished sunny days which for a few minutes, makes it seem like it isn't going to snow tomorrow.

Loving the park.

We got fancy for the sun.

You know how I know Tula is mine?
She's so excited about that bagel.

Also loving the park.

You know how I know Addie is mine?
She never holds the binoculars the right way.
Also, she's wearing a skirt UNDER her dress.  Because you can't have enough poof.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Beastie Boys

Sometimes we throw around the idea of having a third kid (in sort of a "what if we had a hundred million dollars" kind of way), because Josh has always wanted a son, and then I'm like, Sure lets try for a boy, our luck we'll end up with SEVENTEEN MORE GIRLS.

And then we got separate beds like Lucy and Ricky.

Turns out, girls are pretty amazing though.  The two of ours, together, they're like this force-field of screechy, stubborn, hilarious, dominance that I secretly could not be more proud of.  I mean, Tula bosses us all around.  TULA.  The nine month old.  

Fucking rulers of my world in the best possible way.  

Having kids has definitely taught me I was not strong before.  I thought I was, but now that I live in a house with two women under three who think they're the boss of me - that has made me strong.  Because it's hard to be a parent in a good way.  I could probably parent like an asshole (and let's be honest, I'm sure I do sometimes because being a mom every day? that shit is hard) but I try, and I try, and I try to teach them they're not the center of the universe, and that they need to be respectful, and that they need to be kind, and that they need to pick up their toys, and that they need to eat their vegetables, and that they need to not pee on the dog, and that they need to wipe front to back, and that they need to wear socks and shoes in the snow, and that they need to cover their mouths when they cough, and they need to keep asking questions, and they need to keep learning, and they need to say I love you when they feel it, and they need to hug their friends because friends are everything, and they need to hug their family because family is everything, and they need to share their toys, and they need to not pull their big sister's hair, and they need to not yell at their dad just because he walked in the door the wrong way, and they need to give kisses, and hugs, and hold hands because all of that makes people so happy, and they need to sing as loud as they want to Frozen because the Frozen soundtrack is amazing, and they need to dance all crazy for as long as they can before they get self-conscious, and they need to wear sunscreen, and they need to dream, and they need to know they really can be anything they want to be, really, anything, and they need to write thank you cards, and they need to say please, and they need to say no thank you, and they need to keep making me cuddle with them at night because those extra minutes are so much better than The Bachelor anyway (Oh, Juan Pablo how you vex me!), and they need to listen when I say no, and listen when Daddy says no, and they need to tell someone when they're hurting their feelings, and they need to stand up for themselves, and they need to stand up for each other, and they need to love, and they need to nap, and they need to let me drink my coffee before the yelling begins, and they need to be kind, and they need to, need to, need to.

And every day I fail.  

And every day I win.

And being a parent is hard.

But probably not as hard as being a kid sometimes.  

Because being a kid is hard.  I remember.  That shit is really, really hard sometimes.  But it's also so, so, so amazing.

And together we are making it.  And we are having so much fun, even if sometimes we all end the day in tears.  

Because god forbid someone take a bite of her broccoli.  

My favorite picture of me and Adeline.  


All I really want is girls.

And in the morning it's girls.

'Cause in the evening it's girls.

I like the way that they walk.

And it's chill to hear them talk.

And I can always make them smile.

From White Castle to the Nile.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Pumped Up Kickesth

After yesterday's nap time escapade video I interviewed the subject on what the heck she was doing.

Here's what she had to say on the matter.


Monday, February 3, 2014

New Digs

So, we switched Addie to a big girl bed!  Finally!  I really didn't want to because the crib acted as a nice little cage for her.  Honestly, if it wouldn't border on child abuse, I probably would have kept her in that thing until she left for college.  Ain't nobody need no teenage girl sneaking out of the house at night!

Unfortunately, Tula's room was still unfinished (8+ months later) because I kept saying, "But the crib is in Addie's room, and where else are we going to put that bed, or that pile of laundry, or that bookcase full of pamphlets, or the Reese's peanut butter egg wrappers I need to hide?"

So we gave Tula the crib, put Addie in a big girl bed and voila!  Nobody's room looks like they're about to be on an episode of hoarders anymore!

I was also worried Addie would decide she could now come and go as she pleases (yes she has locks on her doors, and yes, she can unlock them FROM EITHER SIDE).  But she's been doing really great.  Really, really great.

Here's a typical naptime.

Then while that's all happening this is happening.

Also, Addie has been obsessed with telling me how pretty her hair is.  And then she'll say, "Are you gonna get pretty long hair mom?"

Uh, excuse me?

"You should get pretty hair like Addie?"

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Needless to say the growing out process has been , well, weird.  And I tried.  I tried really hard.  I even let Josh give me several haircuts to avoid a raging mullet, but as it turns out, he is not in fact a hairdresser.  

I call this one "I can't understand why there hasn't been more romance around here".

So I broke down and got a haircut.  From a professional.  Who was not using kitchen scissors.


Addie even approved.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Chatty Addie

Addie is talking so much right now it's crazy.  When I leave her in the car to run into the post office (for a second!  Just for a second I swear!)(Have you ever tried to get a two kids in and out of a post office in a timely fashion? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.) she'll have full on conversations with my sister on the phone.  Like, they'll still be chatting when I get back.  Which is fine, because I was only gone for a second, Mom!

However her logic and sentence putting-together-ness isn't exactly college level yet.  This morning she sat down in full snow gear I had just dressed her in and started pulling her shoes off.  When I asked her what she was doing she said, "I just need take my shoes off because I'm thirsty."

"You need to take your shoes off because you're thirsty?"

"Yeah, just a little bit.  And then I go to the mall."

She always has big plans.  And apparently can't drink if her feet are enclosed.

Then the other day when Josh was getting dressed Addie walked into the closet and said, "Hey, Dad?"

"Yeah honey buns?"

"You, you, you putting on your big girls pants?"

Because she stutters when she's trying to get it out.  Sometimes she stutters so long you think you should interrupt her, or fill in the blank for her, but you don't, because you know she really wants to get it.  And she really, really does.  She has all of these big huge thoughts rolling around in her tiny precious little head, and it is so heartbreakingly adorable to wait while she stutters through her gigantic flow of ideas because really if you think about it, she's only been talking for like a year.  A year is so little time to get so much information in there and then out again, and she so badly wants you to know what she's thinking and what she knows.  And it is SHOCKING what she remembers sometimes.  Like, things we don't even teach her, she just knows.  All of her friends, she can name their moms.  I never taught her that.  She'll all of sudden start reciting books from memory, books I've never heard her read along with she'll just start saying, "My heart is like a zoo..." and bam! Now I have to try to explain what a yak is.

My point is, girlfriend is so fun right now.  And I can't swear anymore because she said, "Fuck this!" as loud as she could at a jar of mayonnaise in Target the other day, so that wasn't good.  Also, I apparently got really mad at the mayo one day, which doesn't surprise me.  Stupid mayo.

Tula is so in love with Addie she's overjoyed to be anywhere near her.

And sometimes Addie loves her too.  Just enough to not drown her.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Oh, Whoops, Am I Late?

**creeps into the back of the class hoping not to be noticed, backpack gets stuck on the doorknob, struggles with ridiculously grabby doorknob, frees herself and tries to continue sneak-in, gets flung backwards onto rear end, pretty sure doorknob has claws that have ensnared backpack just to show off evil magicness, has full on brawl with doorknob until finally backpack comes free and both go flying into the aisle, knocking over several chairs and accidentally hitting the kid in the wheelchair because, of course hits the kid in the wheelchair, couldn't have hit the kid who's mean to everyone, nooooo, that would be too easy and serves-you-right-y, now has disrupted class, hit the disabled, and did not even accomplish main goal of sneaking into class, so slowly says, "Sooooooooo sorry about that."**

That's how I feel right now about not blogging in so long.

Sooooooo sorry about that!

Is this even the right class?

Anyway, I'll just jump right back in and assure everyone I will be posting regularly again because, as my therapist is fond of telling me, "If you say you're gonna do something you should do it, otherwise you'll just spend a whole lot more time sitting in front of me."

He's very bossy.

So!  The holidays!  I hope everyone had some good ones!  I had the wonderful luck to be able to go home to California for two weeks, which was amazing, (thank you 80 degree Christmas, don't mind if I do!) but with the total unluckyness of having decided to drive the 20 hours with a 2 year old and a 7 month old.

Yeah.  20 hours in the car with a 2 year old and a 7 month old.  You just let that little gem sink in.

It actually went really well.  Shockingly well.  I'm pretty sure that was karma getting me back for when I paid for the guy's latte behind me in the drive-thru at Starbucks.  You're welcome universe!

Then New Years.  I don't know what you all did for New Year's Eve, but if you didn't spend a good part of the night explaining what queefing meant to your mother-in-law then it probably wasn't as fun as mine.  

Other things I was asked to define:

Dental dams and bukkake.

Thank you Cards Against Humanity, for making my family that much closer.

Ok, well I'm gonna make the rest of this picture heavy to catch you up on the girls faces.  Their smushy, gushy, cute, freaking faces that I want to eat off with ranch dressing!!!

Oh yeah, Halloween happened! Addie looked like this.

Tula went as a robot.  I mean.  Shut the front door.

Then Tula had to have a wardrobe change because she puked on her other costume.
They were very skeptical of each other.

My mom asked if Josh was a cowboy.  Uh, I don't know what sort of wild west you heard about mom, but as far as I know cowboys didn't wear polyester or afros. 
(Clearly I went as a 70's camp counselor.  CLEARLY.)

Bubble baths are an every day occurrence around these parts.  Lucky lady.  When I was little if we wanted bubbles we had to blow into the water and then look up really quickly before they all popped and became normal peed-in bathwater again.

You get that chubby face in my mouth right now!

Becky and El took us to a Clippers game where you could order food from people who walk right up to you and then they bring it to your seat!   The lady was like, "Can I get you something?" And I looked around and was like, "Oh, I'm not famous." and she was like, "Yeah, I can still take your order." and I was like, "Ok, I'll have. . . chicken fingers?" and she was like, "Ok." and I was like, "Really?  I'm really not famous, I promise." and she was like, "Yeah, I know.  I'll be right back." and I was like, "Ok, but just out of curiosity, who did you think I was?"

December 15th.  I mean, that's not even fair.  I was hot.  And Tula was so in love with being outside, she pretty much smiled like that the whole trip.

Not Halloween, but Christmas.  Addie decided she wanted to be dressed as a piggy all day long.  Cutest thing evar.

Drunk pilot

I love Shahs of Sunset.

Meanwhile back in Montana I went for a run in 4 degree weather and neither my hair, nor Boris was happy about it.  
Also, that angle makes it look like I'm in a fun house.  I have a normal sized door people, I promise.

Addie was so in love with the sand and the beach, it was seriously one of the coolest things ever to witness. 

The blurry sunset I took while running at my mom's.

And then sometimes, when living with your family of four in one tiny bedroom for two weeks starts to get to you the only thing to do is drink your wine through a red vine.  Because I'm classy.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Conversation Starter

Having kids is like the universal ice breaker.  I have talked to more strangers in the last two years than I have my entire life.  And I can honestly say it's all been positive.  Even if people aren't in love with my kids on sight, even if they don't find their shrill screams adorable, they will at the very least offer me a nod of condolence, or a small sigh and a "Hang in there.  It gets better."

And that's what's amazing about the human race.  People making eye contact with a stranger just to let them know they're not alone.  And sometimes you just need that.  Today, for example, I was in the public bathroom at Barnes and Noble dealing with a Tula poop situation and she started screaming bloody murder while flailing her limbs, all four of which somehow got poop all over them within seconds, which made me scream, which made her scream more, which made Addie scream because she didn't know why we were all screaming.

When we finally exited the stall, a woman who had entered at prime-time scream-time said, "Well, aren't these just the prettiest little girls I've ever seen."

And that made me cry.

Not only did she not get upset at me for making her bathroom break torturous, but she then complimented us?  Maybe she was drunk, but I don't care.  It made me so grateful I almost hugged her.  But I hadn't washed my hands yet, so I refrained and just stood there smiling like a dumb idiot while my pretty little girls got impatient with me and lost their ever loving shit.  Again.

And then she said, "What beautiful eyes." As they were both wailing.  And walked out, because I mean c'mon, wouldn't you?

And they do.  They really do have beautiful eyes.  After people say that they always look up to me to compliment my beautiful blue eyes as well, and then stop awkwardly because I don't have blue eyes.  And so they ask if it's from their father.  I say no, but the mailman was gorgeous.



Happiest baby on the block.  Unless my milk is running low.  Then it's screamiest baby on the block.  If girlfriend doesn't get her milk fast enough she is louder than a jet engine.

Freshly fed and totally excited about her new seat!  

The truth is they get their eyes from their grandmas.  They both have beautiful blue eyes.  Lucky ladies, all four of them.