Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Like Our Own Doublemint Commercial In Training

Ok, it's been two months.  I'm sorry.  Normally this is where I insert some excuse about being busy, and blah, blah, blah, but that was all hooey.  Nothing is as good an excuse for not blogging than what I have got going on now.

Because. . . . BECAUSE. . . . We had quite the little surprise about two months ago.  Two little surprises to be more specific.

That's right!

I don't even need to say it do I?  You've all figured it out because you're smart and went to college, and even if you didn't go to college you're probably way smarter than me, so you totally figured it out (you also figured out that while I'm saddled with student loans akin to the national debt, you are debt free and still smarter than me.  Thanks for rubbing it in!)

In case you haven't figured it out, here's Addie to explain it to you:

 So, yeah.  Go ahead.  Say it.

Amy's pregnant!


7 weeks and teeny tiny little tiny tines.  Two of them.  In my womb.  AT THE SAME TIME.

Not that you need a ton of details, but these babies are little miracles that want to be here, and so it shall be.  We were not trying for another.  We were actually using protection, so when I found out I was pregnant, I was like, Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

And Josh was like, Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

When I saw the pink line I was like, Well I'm not going to tell Josh yet.  Clearly this isn't real.  I'll just wait and see if anything else pregnant-y happens.  

And then four seconds later I was like, "Honey.  HONEY!  Wake up."


"Are you awake?"

"Yes you just woke me up."

"Ok, well I'm pregnant.  Look at this."  And then I shoved the pregnancy test in his face so close it was like I was trying to make him eat it.

After a while when we both stopped gaping at each other Josh was like, "Why'd you even take a test in the first place!?!" As if that's what made me pregnant.  According to his 6am shocked logic if you don't take a test, you can't really be pregnant.  Clearly, he has not watched enough TLC.  Women be having babies all over the place without knowing it.

So, then we got used to the idea of a third.  We kinda always wanted three, we said!  We both came from a family with three kids, we've got this, we said!  How hard can one more be, we said!

And then, came the doctors appointment.

Dun, dun, duuuuuuuun!

We took the girls with us, because we thought it would be fun for them to see the baby, and Addie got a little freaked out about me being draped and prodded so she climbed onto the table with me and snuggled in for the vaginal ultrasound.  Cuddly!  Tula and Josh sat right next to us watching on.  It was a very close moment, especially when the doctor took a long time before saying anything, and then went, "Huh."

And I internally went, "Don't say 'huh'!  What does 'huh' mean!  Did you find a new kind of Aspen or something in my uterus?  Does the baby remind you of someone you dated?  DON'T SAY 'HUH'!"  

And then I realized I wasn't breathing.

And she said, "Well, you guys are really fertile," and with that, turned the screen toward us and there they were, two little babies with two little heads and two little bodies and two little strong, gorgeous heartbeats right next to each other.

And I still wasn't breathing.

Because, I mean.  Two.  Two babies.  At once.

Baby A

Baby B

Unfortunately the side effect of having twins, is having double the morning sickness and boy has that beast reared it's ugly head.  I have never hugged a toilet as much as I have hugged this one.  Not even when I was in grad school and thought I was majoring in whiskey.

But I'm almost twelve weeks now, and I'm hoping that means I'm almost done with the horribleness that is feeling like you're on a roller coaster that never stops and you ate way too much cotton candy and fake cheese nachos right before you got on.

And in between puking I am feeling so incredibly. . . everything.  Joy, happiness, fear, anxiety, wisdom, womanhood, strength, passion, thankfulness, calm, and storm.

I can do this.

We can do this.

But I'm still not really breathing yet.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Shining Gleaming Steaming Flaxen Waxen

So, it's that time again when I have to make a very important decision.

About my hair.

(Cue Josh crying/breaking things in the corner because if he has to hear about my hair one more time I'm pretty sure he's just gonna shave it off in my sleep.) (And then we'll be twinsies!)

You all remember last time things got weird.  Oh, what?  You don't?  Here's a little reminder.

And I thought I was in the clear, but then today when I got home from seeing everyone I've ever known, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Why is Albert Einstein smiling at me like that?"

Turns out it was me.

Here's the thing - I'm very indecisive.  Like, VERY indecisive.  I'm still not sure about Addie's name remaining Adeline.  I've always liked Constance.  And what sort of dessert should I have usually ends up like this:

"Ice cream.  No, wait, Oreos."  *takes a bite of an Oreo* "Nope, ice cream."  *scoops heaps of ice cream into bowl. Re-thinks ice cream and eats a whole Oreo, but does so very slowly so that can decide if Oreo is actually delicious.* "Is not delicious!  Ice cream it is!"  *takes bite of ice cream. Ice cream seems really cold.  Like, unnaturally cold.  Maybe does not even have flavor because it's too cold?  Why would I ever choose ice cream!  Is nasty, cold stuff that's not a solid really and is not a liquid, is weird blubbery cold stuff that doesn't even taste like anything!*  "Oreos all night!"  *Eats another Oreo, very slowly again.  Now Oreo has no flavor.  How can this be? Did taste buds die?  Are they frozen?* "Can I even talk??"  *Determines talking ability still functional.  Runs tongue under warm water to help thaw them.  Wonder why doesn't run tongue under relaxing warm water more often.  Is really joyous feeling.  Should market tongue running treatment at a spa and make millions!* "Ice cream then. Followed by a tongue sink bath."  *Eats bite of ice cream.  Then bite of Oreo.  Appears they have better flavor if you eat them at the same time.*

*Nine minutes later entire pint of ice cream and box of Oreos is gone.  Dessert indecision only leads to eating all the desserts.* 

*Runs tongue under warm water for cleansing.  Must get it prepared for the after dessert salt treat - Cheetos.*

The point is I can be indecisive.  So I've decided to leave it up to you guys and have made a poll!  For my hair!


Feel free to vote however you'd like.  It's all anonymous (though Mom and Tiana I know how you guys are going to vote, and you just cancel each other out, so there's that.  the only time you guys ever agreed on my hair was for Tiana's wedding and we all know how that turned out.)

Yeah, that mane is natural.  And about to eat the bride.

Here's some pictures of short hair to help refresh your memory:

And here's some long:

(yes this was 10 years ago, but I'm pretty sure I still look 24)  (in my heart)

Pretty sure this was the night I got pregnant.
You're all welcome for that info.

None of these girls is the father.

Pregnant long hair still counts as long hair.

Hair Poll Time!
pollcode.com free polls 

Oh and here's some of the kids.  Cuz they be cute.



Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Singing In The Rain, At The Park, In The Bath, During Dinner, At Midnight When She Should Be Asleep

Oh my god you guys, Addie is really into singing right now.  And not like, "Oh she knows the ABC's how cute!" But like, "Oh, this is awkward."

Because she has moved on from cute children's songs to sad ballads.  And she does so completely tone deaf.  Much to the dissapointment of all who encounter her.

Today at the park, the very crowded, full of other humans with ears park, she began singing one of her sad ballads at the top of her lungs, and did not stop FOR THIRTY MINUTES.  She sang on the slide, she sang on the bridge, she sang when she tripped on fake dinosaur bones, "Annnnnd the salad!  I hurt my knee and I can't go oooooooooooon!  The salad and the swings and I said NO NAP TIME anymooooooooooore!"

And it's so darling.  It really is.

For about two minutes, and then you wish you had brought ear plugs with you.

And I say that in the most loving way, because I'm so happy she likes singing and is creative enough to try to come up with her own songs at just two and a half years old.  I'm no scientist (unlike my claim in my last post) but I really think this is a good thing - her singing songs.  And I don't want her to stop.  I just want her to not do it when anyone is awake.


Sort of.

I'm torn.  I love it and I wish it was a little quieter.  Even her father, King of Loud, has talks with her about how maybe she can tone it down a little?  Maybe?  Quiet voices?  No, you want to blast us with that one note about Tinkerbell wearing lipstick?  Ok, go ahead.

Unfotunately, I haven't been able to capture the real impassioned lyrics, but here's a little sample from the other morning.  Note, she's so moved by her own singing she has to hold onto the floor to contain her emotion.

Tula and her cousin James also like to get down to music.  They will one day be her back up dancers.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Let Me Eat Cake!

So, I'm not exaggerating when I say I have seven friends who have either just had a baby or are about to give birth any second.  It is a very baby time up in here right now, and it's hard on my brain when my sister calls and says she's going to Vegas for the weekend on a whim.  Like, what?  Who's gonna watch the?  What about all the?  WHAT?  I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

I honestly don't know what it's like to think of myself first anymore, and while I always thought this would make me feel like Ghandi, or someone else inherently nice and bald, it doesn't.  I mostly just feel hungry.

Oh, and in love with my kids.

But also very hungry.

And you know what it's like to be a hungry woman?  It's like flipping a switch inside you where a giant, hairy alligator rips off your face to reveal his angry, hairy alligator face underneath and snarls a jet-engine's volume roar at anyone who dares to say hi to him just long enough to stun them with fear before eating them alive, and then starts crying hysterically because his alligator face-hair doesn't look right.

Well, that's what it's like for me anyway.

So, I made a change recently, where I eat all the time, like ALL the time, and guess what?  I'm so much happier!

Let it be known, I was not on a diet before, but just wasn't paying attention to when I ate because of the two little alligators constantly begging for me to mother them, and now I'm like, "Oooohhhhhhh, my body needs food to work!  I should be a scientist!"  And everyone is different, but I need to eat every two hours, like a baby.  Or people are gonna die.

The new system is amazing.  I'm not looking forward to bathing suit season, but I don't really care at all because I'm nice and full and that's like being drugged!  The thighs are coming out people, because I just ate four pieces of peanut butter toast and I LOVE EVERYONE!

Also (I'm getting back to where I started I promise!), when I'm not hungry, I can think about things.  And mostly remember to do things I said I was going to do.  One of which is participate in a friend's baby shower montage.  She wanted people to send in selfies where we held up words of advice on having three kids.  I don't have three kids, but I was part of three so I tried the best I could.

Also, Tula was all beatnik this weekend.

She made us listen to her bongo poetry and then snap in appreciation.

Gorgeous ladies making me laugh at breakfast.

Addie and I got some alone time this weekend!  It was so fun.  While we were walking down the mall she said, "Mom, you're my good friend."  Cut to me immediately sobbing and her freaking out because I was crying.  
I want to sew her onto me like a human tattoo so I can carry her everywhere.
Too much?

Friday, April 25, 2014


So, Addie is really into princesses.  Which is really proof that nature vs nurture and nature wins a lot of the time.  Like, I could not have pushed that girl more into trucks and dinosaurs and she woke up one morning all on her own and said, "There's something called Disney out there.  I sense it.  Mom!  Bring me a tiara!  Then tell me what a tiara is!"

Literally, it was that quick.

Now she's all, "Elsa!  Anna!  More skirts! Mom when are you going to get long hair!?"

Long hair is very important to her.  She wants her mom to be pretty, and she understands that I'm just barely eeking by with my current hair and this worries her.  Oh feminism!  I'm sorry my daughter hates you!

"Belle wears blue dress!  Tangled has yellow hair!  Cinderella has mouses.  Mommy I need mouses!"

And she sings into microphones, and puts on lipstick, and loooooves sparkly shoes, and ohmygodshesalreadyturningintohermother!

The best though was the other day when she, out of the cold blue, said, "Mommy?"


"Ariel's daddy is the king?"

"Yes he is."

"My daddy's not the king."

"No he's not."

"Is Ariel's mommy the king?"

"No, she's the queen."


". . . "

"My mommy's the queen."

"YES.  SHE.  IS."

There you go folks!  Once again, nature vs nurture and I did not nurture that at all!  Except for whispering it in her ear while she slept along with, "I love doing dishes for mommy, and I will not get pregnant in High School."

Yes, this is Easter, but honestly, girlfriend dresses up every day lately.  She's just that fancy.  And picky about her clothing.  The other day I suggested she wear jeans because it was snowing out and she cried for about two days.

She was so excited about Easter eggs this year!  Which made me excited about Easter eggs, which made her even more excited, and then we snowballed into excitement and hugged all the people ever!  Kids are so fun!


Tula got some fun Easter action too with Dad.

She would not let me put her in a dress, but she couldn't figure out how to get the gigantic flower headband off so we compromised.

I mean.  I want to eat her effing face off.  She's ridiculous.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Never Again

Sometimes things seem really obvious, in hindsight, but at the time it's like this huge vortex of "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!"


So, lately Addie has been taking like two to three hours to fall asleep at nap time or at bedtime.  The good thing about her is she'll just play by herself in her room, but she's just taking forever to fall asleep.  And we were all :


Because everyone kept saying, This is the end of naps! She doesn't need a nap!  Trust me!

And I was all:


I'm all about her changing and thriving, but giving up naptime?  NEVER!  She'll nap til she's 99, just like her mom.  You're never too old for naps, you energetic little fuckers.  Naps are my lifeline.  Naps are my savior.  Naps are the only time I can go to the bathroom by myself!!!

So, no.  I was not ready for that to be the answer.  And luckily, neither was she.  The day we tried no naps she did great until about 5pm when she had a major meltdown about not being able to sleep in the street in her sleeping bag.  I mean, we are such bastards.  Not letting her sleep in the street?  In her sleeping bag?!  THE HORROR.  Then at about 7:30 when I'd had enough and tried to put her to bed she screamed at me that she didn't have to pee while simultaneously peeing on me.

So, that was fun.

Anyway, turns out we scratched our heads for DAYS before we thought, "Maybe she shouldn't be having sugar right before bedtime."  A thought that should have come so fast it should have arrived before we even knew we had a sleeping problem, but it didn't.  


So, she gets no more juice, and no more popsicles and BAM!  She sleeps.  


It's shocking how dumb having kids can make a person.  Or would be if I remembered to think about it.  Good thing I can't even remember if I have pants on right now or not.

So cute, we're worth the brain suckage.

Monday, April 14, 2014

How I Know They're Mine

It's been so long since I've posted that when I went to type in the web address to write a new post I could not remember it for like three minutes.

But that's been happening a lot lately.  I made a sort of lent-y resolution to myself (I know lent is for giving stuff up, but I have no vices)(she says eating a huge thing of chocolate, downing her second Starbucks of the day and sniffing an unlit cigarette left at her house by recent visitors)(I'm not gonna smoke it, but I like to pretend I might!)(That thing is gonna be so soggy with my fake smoking it it's probably going to start growing things on it.)

Anyway.  So, I made a resolution to stop bumping into things, dropping things, losing things, and breaking things.  Basically to BE MORE AWARE of my body and what it was doing, because honestly, most of the time, like since birth, I walk around like a well-meaning bull in a china shop.  But my resolution has not helped me settle the f down when it comes to sharp edges of furniture.  It's like I get into a room and suddenly a magnetic pull draws me to the nearest corner where I jab some part of my body on it, reach down to soothe my injured body part, spilling the contents of my bag all over the floor, reach down even further to pick up the contents of my bag, drop my latte in just the right way so the lid comes off but miraculously no liquid spills out, and then drop my cell phone into my latte, thus making my morning about 99% on par with every other morning up in here.

It's like making the resolution hasn't solved anything, it's just made me more aware of how Jennifer Lawrence I am.  But in a not cute way.

So, basically, things have been a bit jangled around here.

But we did get a few well-deserved, and cherished sunny days which for a few minutes, makes it seem like it isn't going to snow tomorrow.

Loving the park.

We got fancy for the sun.

You know how I know Tula is mine?
She's so excited about that bagel.

Also loving the park.

You know how I know Addie is mine?
She never holds the binoculars the right way.
Also, she's wearing a skirt UNDER her dress.  Because you can't have enough poof.