Like Mother, Like Daughter

So my dad just sent me this photo of my mom pregnant with me and my twin sister.

Side by side I think we can agree on one thing - my mom was having twins? WHERE?

Me - 36 weeks.  My mom - 33 weeks.

She claims she looks so small because we were 7 weeks early.  This was hours before we were born.  But it's really only 3 weeks earlier than my picture and yet, she looks like she could go lead a yoga class, and then a tanning class.  Why is she so tan?  Oh, that's right, she lives in California where the sun always shines, not Montana where the sun shines in April but only a few hours before it hails.  

This combo might not be impressive to anyone but me, but it is so weird to see these side by sides because - that's my mom!  With me not even born yet.  And some day Adeline will look at pictures of me pregnant with her and she'll be all, "Yeah, I know mom.  I've read your blog a million times. Boring." And I'll be all, "We didn't have blogs when my mom was pregnant." And she'll be all, "You lived through the dark ages and had to walk uphill to school both ways, I know, I know." And I'll be all, "No internet was not the dark ages." And she'll be all, "How did you even watch tv?" And I'll be all, "ON THE TV." And she'll be all, "I didn't hear you, I just used my computer to answer the question and it got me an answer in .008 seconds.  Your answer took 30 seconds was shouty." And I'll be all, "I'LL GIVE YOU SHOUTY!"

Well, clearly I have some laying out to do before my hospital photo shoot.  If you need me, I'll be the pregnant girl in the bikini getting pelted by hail balls.

37 Weeks!

Which means, I'm officially full term.

WHAT!

That's nuts.

This pregnancy has flown by.  And then it hasn't.  But also, it really has.  And it's flown by so fast we don't have a name picked out, the baby's room isn't done, and it's supposed to snow again tomorrow.

So, there's that.

But I did paint my toes the other day so that's progress!

And Adeline is getting in molars, or her eye teeth are descending into little vampire spikes or something because that poor little lady can't eat solid foods without bleeding and is off and on Mrs. Crabby Pants. Good thing it's happening now or I totally would have thought it was all from the new baby.

She's still adorable though, despite her poor mouth torture.  The only thing I can try to compare it to is when you would get your braces tightened, and that was AGONY.  Especially because I was one of those kids who actually wore her rubber bands all the time, and her head gear.

Oh yeah.  I said head gear.

While I was 6'1  and 13 years old and about 100 pounds.


It's amazing I have the amount of self-confidence I do.  I thank my mother for that.  She never once let me believe I was awkward.  (Ask me about how she gave me a complex about my ears though and I could go on for days.)  I hope I can do that for my girls too, because self-confidence and girls is SUCH A BITCH.  I'm not saying I feel amazing all the time or anything, but I think for what I had to work with, my mom did a great job of teaching me how to be happy with myself.

Except for my ears that stick out.

Anyway, cute little lady!

Tooting on mommy is hysterical.

Enjoying the sun!

If I'm wearing a skirt she has to be wearing one too.  Also, she picked out this rainbow brite outfit.  Girlfriend has style!

36 Weeks!

So, I'm 36 weeks now.  The size of a baby whale.  Me, I mean.  I'm the size of a baby whale.  The baby is the size of a crenshaw melon.  For those of you that don't know, this is a crenshaw melon:

But also, when I googled 'crenshaw melon' this was one of the first pictures that came up.

Uh, ok.

I don't want any part of that photo to be in my belly. 

Or to represent what's in my belly.  

NONE OF THAT SHOULD HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH MINE OR ANYONE ELSE'S BELLY!

And what the heck is up with the frosting?  Clearly homeboy is stoned because he carved a melon thinking it was a pumpkin and he's eating strawberry frosting with his fingers.  Also, he's wearing a plastic lei.  

Anyway, this is what 36 weeks looks like!

And this is what it looks like with stretch marks!  I got one small stretch mark with Adeline the day I had her.  This time I peed on the stick and suddenly I had stretch marks

Everyone is asking me if I'm ready, like in a sympathetic way, "Are you ready?" and then they nod and look sad, and honestly if you'd asked me a month ago I would have said yes, get this baby out of me because my hormones are whacked out and I can't walk without a wheelchair.  But now my mood is a thousand times better (I no longer want to kill the man I live with for breathing too loud, instead his breathing is the cutest thing ever! That's the beauty of nature, making sure you love your partner before the baby comes so you don't have to handle rearing all on your own. From prison.), and thanks to physical therapy twice a week I can walk almost normally, and I'm no longer afraid my back will break if I sneeze.

Physical therapy is magic!  I honestly want to kiss my lady every time we're done, and it's not just because she's the only one who will massage my bare butt for a half hour.  Though it's mostly that.  It's because I can roll over in bed without crying now.  

Ah, the simple things.

Speaking of things, Josh came home with a new prize for Adeline last week and she is IN LOVE.

One of the first things she says when she wakes up is, "Turning?" because when she's on the bike, her dad pushes her around the house and narrates what she's doing, "Riding. . . riding. . . turning." So I think she thinks riding a bike is actually called "turning".  That'll be nice and confusing in a while.

Also, she's getting some long hair!  But only on the top, the back is still short and curly.  It's like a reverse mullet.  Which, lets be honest, is probably the second best kind of mullet.

This has nothing to do with anything, but I took her to Barnes and Noble to play yesterday (that's what you do when it's still snowing at the end of April.)  And somehow I managed to get a picture of exactly what Addie thinks the world is like right now.

She stands still and the whole world just spins around her.

Also, in her world, she's Godzilla and can destroy small mining towns in a single swoop.  And then continue to play choo-choo trains as if she hadn't just destroyed the entire play set in front of the disapproving store manager shaking his head at the pregnant mother taking photos of said destroyer instead of stopping her because pregnant mother needs to sit and enjoy her latte dangit!

Baby Names

Just like with Adeline we can't decide on a name.  Yesterday I called the baby Channing Tatum Amidon all day.

Today, I call her Phil.

Because I love Phil.

Phil Dunphy Amidon, I love you already.

35.433333333 Weeks!

Not that I'm counting.

At 35 weeks the baby is the size of a canteloupe and is just getting bigger.  Which seems crazy!  I am definitely as big if not bigger than I was when Adeline was born.  The other day I took her in for a checkup and her pediatrician asked when I was due and when I told him he said, "Wow really?  Are you gaining enough weight?" And then I kissed him on the mouth.

With tongue.

And now we're married.

The only thing I can think is that because I'm tall it sort of hides the gigantic belly?  Like people are so thrown off by the sheer velocity of my person they don't notice the 30 pound bulge?  Or, maybe they don't want to get stabbed by a hormonal pregnant lady by mentioning how big I've gotten.  Either way, I'll take it.

Taking it.

In other news Adeline is becoming very sensitive.  After she spends her days chasing the dog around the house only to finally grab his tail and lift it up so she can point to his butthole and say, "Oh, ucky!" she'll find him resting somewhere and will lie down with him.  Because she doesn't want him to sleep alone.

After a day of tail grabbing and ucky-butt-ing.

Nigh nigh time.  Terrorizing is exhausting stuff.

Which is giving me a lot of hope for her and the new baby.  I mean if she's this sweet to the dog, just think about what'll be like when a new baby comes into the house and takes over her space!  JOY!

I did show her what breastfeeding was going to be like with one of her baby dolls the other day and she thought it was HILARIOUS.  Boobs?  On the baby's face?  More Mom!  More!  I breastfed the crap out of that doll.

Sciatic Nerve I'm So Sorry I Never Bought You Flowers

'Member when I thought I pulled a muscle in my butt and that's why I was limping all crazy like?

Well, it turns out I didn't.  Instead the baby and/or my uterus is squashing my much beloved sciatic nerve (well, previously un-cared-about sciatic nerve, but now that I know what it feels like when it's being strangled I can assure you, it's best to go back in time and tell your sciatic nerve how much you love it, you love it so much you wanna bake it brownies and send it little notes through your other classmates folded in the shape of a heart, or an arrow because I never really mastered the heart-folding, but I was super good at the arrow).

And when your sciatic nerve is being choked your butt sends a searing, shooting pain from your very lower back to your foot making it impossible to walk like a normal person, which is cool because who needs to walk?  A mother of a one and a half year old?  F that. Walking is for spoiled people.  Try cleaning your house on all fours.  Or folding laundry while lying on three heating pads.  Or chasing after your daughter by sitting on her toy stroller and wheeling yourself at an unbelievably slow pace while yelling, "Addie, get back here with that knife right now!" all the while she's running faster than lightning, and giggling her head off because, hey!, mommy's crippled - WHAT A FUN GAME!

So, now I get to wear a belly band and go to physical therapy for a while, which is exciting.  I love slings that HOLD UP YOUR BELLY.  I wish they had something like that for my boobs.

Super stoked about my belly band.  Who wouldn't be?!

The really good news is that it's finally warming up around here.  I can't explain to you how much the sun makes everything better.  The fact that Adeline walks outside now and gets so excited because GRASS!  GRASS EVERYBODY! is awesome.  She would spend all day outside if I'd let her.  But I don't, because them floor ain't gonna mop themselves.

It's dead grass, but still, it's not a snow bed.

Just letting the baby get some Vitamin D.  Plus I want her to come out tan.

Things They Don't Tell You

I just found a piece of rice on my belly.

I haven't had rice in like four days, so that's fun.

That's one of the things they don't mention in those pregnancy books: You will find various Asian foods near or on your belly at any given time no matter the distance between yourself and said Asian food.

Other things they don't mention:

1. You will cry at episodes of The Kardashians, not out of mockery or saddness for them, but because you found something truly touching about the way Khloe willingly judges a vadge smelling contest between Kourtney and Kim, because sisters! oh my gosh you're about to have two little girls that will be sisters! and one day they might have a who-smells-better-down-there contest! because they're so close and they love each other enough to be so absolutely totally disgusting it's sweet!  (but please girls if you're reading this, don't.  just don't.)

2. You will want to eat Blow Pops until your teeth fall out.

3. You will tweak and/or pull a muscle IN YOUR RIGHT BUTTOCK and will not be able to walk without a very pimp-like limp.  Said limp may look awesome if you were a gangsta from the 90's, but now that you're like 8 months pregnant and a tall white girl, it just looks sad.

4. You will take to wearing men's underwear because it's more comfortable and thus will up the romance between you and your partner by negative a thousand.

5. You will suddenly feel super sexy times should be happening, but then number 4 is also happening, and you're not really willing to give that up.  And also number 3 doesn't help matters either.

6. You will want to eat Bubbilicious until your teeth fall out.

7. You will pee when you sneeze.  Technically, they do tell you that one, but no one really believes it.  Well, believe it ladies.  Don't sneeze in public unless you're willing to free-ball it.


In other news, someone has learned to say "cheese" when you're taking her picture, which is super cute, but it's making for some very crazy pictures right now.