Friday, January 6, 2012

Learning Curve

My Uncle got me this pink stuff for Christmas. He's very thoughtful. I'm still vaguely unsure about what it is, but I did feel prettier with it on.

So my best friend is pregnant with her second cute little chubby baby (I'm guessing - if it comes out ugly, big and skinny well I'll still love it), and I am soooooo happy for her! And not for the obvious reasons!

"I'm happy about eating this giraffe."

Obviously I'm happy because she wanted another baby and she's a good mom and blah, blah, blah, but I'm more happy for her because now she's got a second chance! A second chance people! Adeline is only four and a half months old, but already I'm counting all the ways I would change things, all the ways I would do things differently. Not because I did them wrong with Addie, but because I just didn't know any other way. There's no way to know.

I can't stress that enough. It doesn't matter how prepared you are. How many books you've bought. How many times you've babysat. How much advice you've gotten from your new-mom friends. There's. No. Way. To. Know.

I read a shit ton, I babysat my a off, I listened to all things from all people, and totally thought I'd be cool about it all. I thought I'd have some sort of a handle on it, but it doesn't matter how prepared you are - once you get into parenthood something inside of you is going to go, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" Because no matter how natural, or wonderful, or glorious it feels, it's going to feel equally confusing, desperate, and foreign as all get out. You're going to cry at the wrong things, and laugh at inopportune moments, you're going to freak out and want to hide because oh my gosh, what did you get yourself into? It's all worth it, don't get me wrong, the good outweighs the confusion by a bajillion, but from about week 4 on a little part of you is going to be going, "Oh my gosh I can't wait to have another one so I can do this differently. Or this differently. Suddenly I know ALL THINGS!"

(But just a little part of you, the other part (your vagina) is going to be all, "Another baby? NOW? I'm just getting used to normal underwear again, don't you dare. DON'T YOU EVEN DARE.")

And probably this is only partly true. I mean, we'll definitely handle things differently, and feel calmer about a lot of stuff - but this will be a new baby with new quirks and crazy ways they want to be calmed so the things you figured out time one will most likely not work time two because what I've learned is that babies - they like to mess with you. Mess with you 'til you cry.

"And I'm probably going to laugh and look cute the minute you start."

But still there's the possibility that things will work better! That because of this second chance this time things will be amazing and suddenly you'll be supermom! Knower of things! Fixer of the unfixable! Cry soother to the crying for no apparent human reason! Poop color interpreter extraordinaire!

Things I have learned/I will do differently next time:

1. Swaddle. We always swaddled but we did it with a blanket. Blankets are for teddy bears. Velcro straight jacket swaddles - those are for super-human-strength babies whose arms flail and scare them out of sleep wailing, "Mooooooooooooom! Something just hit me!!! Come make it stop. MAKE IT STOP." We didn't start using the velcro swaddle until she was two months old, and next time I'm strapping the sucker on the baby as she's coming out of my womb.

2. A glass of wine will not hurt the baby. In fact, I'm pretty sure since it calms me down she's getting a better me and thus the glass of wine is in some way helping her. Glasses of wine for everyone!

3. My children are like me and apparently need to eat every two hours. Do not listen to what the doctors tell you - sure some babies can eat every three or four hours, but when mine was crying her head off and I wasn't feeding her because the three hours weren't up yet - well that's just crazy yo. Feed her when she's hungry. Schedules are good but only a white man needs a watch to tell him when he's hungry. (My sister used to say that all the time when she was little. She wanted to be a Native American when she grew up. I'm pretty sure that quote came from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, but still, it applies. Somehow.)

4. Write down what you learned because when you want to recall it for a blog you'll forget everything and eat seven donuts instead in hopes it will help you remember. It won't.


I'm just so excited for her. And all the new things she's going to have to learn.

1 comment:

  1. Ha! I totally remember the "white man need watch..." reference. Love spying on your blog. You are such a writer and still hilarious as ever.