Five glorious months later, and my boobs are still sore. I've come to the conclusion that my boobs will never be my own anymore. People keep saying that one day they will be mine - but I don't believe them. I believe they are now just casualties of war. Victims in this life of parenthood. Lost souls in a sea of. . . lost . . . uhm. . . souls.
Whatever, you get the point. My boobs are dead to me.
Which is fine by me - have you ever seen a baby right after she's been breastfed?
Oh my god, I'll breast feed you until you're eighteen if you keep looking at me like that!
Anyway, at five months she has no teeth (unlike her cousin), but she chomps on everything, EVERYTHING that gets near her mouth. She'd chomp on her dad's nose all day long if he'd let her.
Speaking of her dad. . . she loves him. Like, really, really loooooooooooves him. If he walks into the room she'll whip herself around so fast I'm afraid she'll end up in a neck brace just to catch a glimpse of him, and then when she does, when she does lay eyes on him - her smile gets so big, and so joyous it makes me want to cry almost every single time. Partly because it just makes me so happy to see how much they enjoy each other, they are like school kids who just discovered the joys of a best friend, they want to see each other all the time and call each other on the phone every five minutes, they want to make friendship bracelets for each other and wear the same thing to school as a sign of their best-friend-ness, their bond that no one else has or can even understand, they understand each other to the core, they have secrets and special abbreviations for their inside jokes, they make up names for each other and give signals across the classroom that the teacher can't see, they buy each other cookies at lunch, and walk home from school arm in arm giggling and racing every other block because they just can't wait to get home to spend more time together. They are in love.
But it also partly makes me want to cry because, hey, remember me? The woman who cares for you all day long? I'M UP HERE.
I definitely don't get the same joy her dad gets, but the I remembered neither did my mom. She was home with us all the time, but the second we heard our dad's car pull into the driveway at dinner time we raced each other to the door to be the first one to headbutt him in the stomach. Out of love. And it didn't mean we loved our mom any less, it just meant we loved our dad that much. And how nice. How wonderful and nice to love both your parents with all that you have, and to be loved back so much you felt it (even though you'd never really understand how much they love you, not until you have one for yourself and then realize - Oh my shit, my parents love me like this? I should probably buy them better presents for their birthdays.)
And while dad is good for fun, and laughs, and smiles from here to the moon, I'm good for a few laughs, and for cuddling, and comfort, and food, and more comfort. It's totally cliche, but it's true. She has different needs for both of us and is thrilled with each of us for giving them to her. Biologically or because we aimed ourselves at her that way - I don't think it really matters who she's getting what from as long as she's getting it.
My five month old? She's a thumbsucker.
No. Check that guy over there. I think he was sucking his thumb.
You're doing it! Right now. You're sucking your thumb right. dang. now.
Fine. You caught me. But aren't I cute.
Yes. Yes you are.
And she is. Sucking her thumb is so cute I don't care what people say. And say they do. Strangers have come up to me and said I need to break her of that habit or she'll become addicted.
Addicted? It's not heroin. She's sucking her thumb like a baby. BECAUSE SHE'S A BABY. And also stranger-who-doesn't-know-me, she's soothing herself! Why would I want to stop her from doing something that soothes her? She's five months old, not five years old. You better break yourself.
Now back up off! I've been to Compton!
Like once or twice.
Well, really I drove through it. With my windows locked. That place is scary yo.
Anyway, five months old. It's crazy. And also awesome.