Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Hairy Pregnant Lady Chases After Mailman While Eating Licorice

That's what the headline would read for today's paper if there was a paper that followed me around.


Because I chased not one, but TWO separate mailmen today. Barefoot. Pregnant. And not letting go of my iron grip on my Red Vine-related breakfast. I swear to God when I got home I realized what I had just done and how embarrassed anyone related to me would be if they'd seen me because I was a little off-her-meds-and-early-morning-drinking looking.

So, I have put about twenty different letters in the mail and no one has received them. This would not be such a big deal if it was bills I was paying because whatever, I can just cancel the check, but these were thank you notes. And I had written them. And got them out in a timely fashion. Which is SO UNLIKE ME. And I was so proud of myself, thinking, "See, am natural mother. Can do things like write notes. Am only steps away from baking pies and teaching life lessons. Oh my god, I have to teach life lessons. Do I know any life lessons? I know that you should never go on a date while trying out a new deodorant. Is very important. See! AM MOTHERING GENIUS."

Anyway, for unknown reasons my mail is not being delivered and thus my letters and cards and whatnot are out in some mail-space-limbo thus negating all sorts of natural mothering/adult stuff I thought I was doing. Because if a letter falls in the woods and no one is around to read it then pretty soon I'm going to have to REWRITE FORTY THANK YOU NOTES.

Cut to me out in the backyard this morning, when all of a sudden I hear the mailman pull up.

"Hi!" I say trying to peer over the fence.

Get ignored by mailman.

"Um, hi?" I say louder, trying to hoist myself over the fence. Hoisting was a lot easier without a thirty pound basketball acting as barrier between myself and said fence.

Continued ignoring from mailman.

Realize he's not going to pay attention to woman's forehead on other side of fence. Run to gate and hope to catch him on the way out.

Mailman drives 80 miles an hour to next cluster box, which is really only about five houses away. I run as fast as I can, wildly waving arms, and calling, "Hi! Excuse me! HI!"

'Hi' is only thing I can say apparently.

Cannot run as am eight months pregnant. Plus don't have shoes on.

Am pretty sure mailman sees me. Am only three houses away now.


Mailman slams boxes.


Mailman slams car door.

Wait, no!

Waddle faster. Yell 'hi' again.

Mailman's brake lights go off.

Wait, please!


Am almost 100% certain mailman looks at me in rearview mirror, smiles, and hauls ass away from me as fast as he can.


See mailman turns right, so turn around and speed waddle around to the other side to see if I can wave him down from in between blocks, but when I get the two houses down to the other side of the street where I can see the other cluster box, mailman has already slammed the doors and is tearing down the street like he has to keep his little mail truck thing above fifty-five miles an hour or his truck will explode!

Anyway, I did not catch him. But then I saw a mail truck on the other side of a busy street. And as crazy had not left my blood stream yet, I took off as fast, and as barefoot as I could, dodging traffic by holding up my arms as if I was chasing after a car that had just kidnapped my sister. Am sure I looked like a lunatic, as at one point, my sweater fell off one of my shoulders and because I was getting so hot from all the mailman chasing, I started to take it off, but then had to run some more after truck so now am barefoot with sweater half on, half off, tank top that doesn't cover belly completely, hair all ridiculous and flowing (not in a good way), and eyes like a crazed raccoon that just got caught going through you're trash can but has no intention of stopping.

Caught this mailman. She was kind enough to make sure there was no outgoing mail stuck in my box. Am pretty sure she only did this because she was afraid for her life.

Do not blame her.

So, there was none of my mail in there. I have no idea where my mail is going, but from now on am driving to post office on other side of town to drop off mail. No one in my neighborhood needs to see that again.

In other news....

36 Weeks! Less than four weeks left!

I have not seen anything below my belly button in months! It's like half my body is a mystery right now. Hair? Probably out of control. Knees? I think I still have them. Toes? Who knows! It's all a secret!

Now, if you'll excuse me I need seven naps from all the chasing. Mailmen are tricky little suckers.

1 comment:

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