Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Weighing In

So, I've gained 20 pounds. TWENTY.

I'm not sad about it, 20 is a fine number for having a baby, but it's just a little shocking. I mean, I know that I have a basketball sticking out of my belly, and that I ate three bagels and cream cheese yesterday but still - they were very light bagels.

And I was very hungry.

(What am I supposed to do, deny the child her cream cheese wishes? I'm not a monster. It's not like she was asking me to smoke crack and do intravenous drugs, so as long as it's legal and it seems like the baby really wants it, I'm probably going to do it. I call it "trusting". You may call it "eating my weight in Laffy Taffy Friday night". Tomato. Tomahto.) (Never in the history of the world has Laffy Taffy been so good.)

The father of my child keeps saying we're going to be like ships passing in the night. That our weights are getting so close together I'm going to surpass him, and he's going to try to slim down and weigh less than me. And in response I keep telling him to shut it.

I'm the girl! I'm supposed to be dainty. Which trust me at six-foot-awkward, never really happens, but I still like to pretend. So, I'm going to start slipping butter into everything he eats so its impossible for him to get slimmer. Smoothie for breakfast? Add butter. Bean burrito? Why not just moisten that up with a few pats of butter. Buttered toast? How about extra butter!

I'll show him.

Anyway, I'm showing. Which should seem obvious to anyone who looks at me, but apparently in Vegas it wasn't because on one of the trips Gige and I made around the lazy river these two (very hairy) guys latched onto out inner tubes and followed us around the river. Even after I pointed out I was in fact pregnant, and Gige mentioned her daughter and husband they still kept on keeping on. So either our powers of sexual magnetesim are so great guys still want to hit on us pregnant and familied, or they were just really drunk. (I'm guessing it was the latter due to the beer in each hand, though I'd like to believe there's a very strange group of men out there who want to date only pregnant women. Pregnant women they themselves did not get pregnant. Not because I want to date them, but because it would be sooooooo weird if they actually did exist. Weird and creepy.) Or maybe they just didn't believe us.

But I mean, c'mon, how can this NOT look pregnant to you:

Either pregnant or like I've suddenly discovered the way women can get a beer belly. (Hint: drink lots of beer)

Ships in the night. For his safety he better hope not.

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