Thursday, May 5, 2011

Perks of Pregnancy #2

I've discovered a new perk of pregnancy:

Straining things you didn't think were strainable in the first place. I mean, unless you have very athletic ears, or have been extremely active in the porn industry for most of your career.

So, yesterday I threw out my vagene. Like throwing out my back, but more vaginal.

Ok, technically I think it's that I pulled my groin muscle, or the lowest abdominal muscle known to man, since it isn't actually my lady parts that are strained, but when I hold onto what hurts (because I think that helps?) it doesn't look appropriate at all.

I've heard about people doing this, but it's always like NFL players, or Olympic gymnasts - you know what I was doing? Nothing. Nothing at all. I was at a tennis lesson (oh, more to come on the pregnant girl who decides to learn tennis when she's pregnant and has no control of her body. Actual conversation with my instructor - Me: "I feel like I don't have any control when I try to hit the ball." Him: "You don't. You have no control at all." Me: "I'm the worst in the class." Him: "Yes. . . But you try hard!") and I was just standing there working on my golf swing (I'm better at golf) when I was told to go to the other side of the court and try to hit something, and walking over there I thought, "Oh my bladder hurts super bad. I must have to pee really bad." But it wasn't that.

Somehow in between working on my golf at my tennis lesson and walking twenty feet to the net I managed to hurt my crotch. That is some powerful walking!

Since I have this new belly:

that I'm not used to, it tends to get me in trouble. I bump into water coolers because I didn't give myself enough room to get around them, I try to shave my legs and end up only getting my upper thighs because the mango in my belly (the mango the size of a pumpkin) won't let me bend any farther than that, and apparently trying to cozy up to my partner doesn't work when all I'm really doing is pressing my outstretched belly button into his normal innie belly button, and suddenly we're having some weird switchy-roo situation of parts that shouldn't intertwine and then we can't even look each other in the eye anymore.

So, being pregnant right now is like re-learning how to do everything with my body. How to walk, how to sit, how to hug someone without first punching them in the stomach with my stomach. It's fun, and weird all at the same time. And for the first time in years and years, I'm remembering that I can control how my body moves and stretches and works, it's like discovering a whole new person. A wobbly, clumsy, Reese's peanut butter cup devouring person. But I like this one. She's rounder and hungrier, and about to ice down her pelvis.

Next week I'm just bringing the ice pack right to the courts. You never know what will happen.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. When I read the first sentence, I thought you meant, like, straining vegetables. I thought, "Holy crap, she's, like, straining her own peas?! She's making her own baby food?! Isn't it kind of early for that?" I imagined you putting them in canning jars and walking down to your root cellar in an old-timey way (you were wearing a dress and a gingham apron, obviously) to put them on the shelf.

    But then I continued reading and it was just about your vagina.