22 Weeks

So I'm 22 weeks and cannot imagine how there is 18 more weeks to go.  My crotch thinks that is a cruel and funny joke.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm craving anything, and I'm really not.  Except coffee.  Like, I cannot think of anything better than a delicious cup of coffee with half and half.  Unfortunately this is a horrible craving to have when you're pregnant.  Right behind smoking pot and riding horses.  Apparently these things are "frowned upon" when you're pregnant.  I'm pretty sure Pocahontas rode a horse and she was very pregnant on that Lewis & Clark thing, so what do you think of that medical professionals!  I'm gonna go eat a brownie.

Just kidding, but I am gonna go eat about fourteen of these.  Because these are what I'm craving right now.

Then comes Christmas trees, which you have to stock up on until April when they have Easter Eggs and then it's a looooooong dry spell until Halloween again.  I am not kidding when I say I have run into my mother-in-law, like a thief in the night, both of us sneaking around the grocery store holding an entire shelf of those Reese's, both of us wearing all black, tip toeing around as if we're quiet about it, no one will notice we're buying an insane amount of holiday candy.  We'll kind of nod to each other and pretend we didn't see the other one, addicts in an alleyway after an NA meeting, because no one wants to admit they're buying that many of anything.

Except that they're SO GOOD.  Go buy some.  Eat three in a row.  Feel really sick.  Vow never to eat another one again.  Wait a few hours.  Eat three more.  Fall asleep from sugar coma.  Repeat.

Also, we've been having really nice summer-turning-to-fall weather, and the good thing about living in a place with 13 months of winter is that you tend to take full advantage of the few days of warmth.  The little girls are no exception.

Loving the Bozeman beach.  

Just became aware the water is the temperature of frozen ice.

Yeah, frozen.

Yes, they take a bath in sunscreen before their skin sees sunlight.  Tula glows.

Adorable.

Resting on our hike.

AH! I want to eat her face off!

Things I Won't Miss About Being Pregnant. Not Listed: Not Being Able To See My Downstairs - I Just Like To Make Sure Its Still There Sometimes

I'd be a total liar if I said I was going to miss being pregnant.  The other two times I was pregnant I knew I wasn't done yet.  I knew there would (hopefully) be another time, but now that we're rounding out our family to a hearty size 6, I'm sure.  We're done.  And that doesn't make me sad the way I thought it would.  It's so weird because they say you know when your family is complete you feel it, and when we just had Addie we worshipped her, but knew we weren't finished yet.  And when we had Tula, again we were like - life is so amazing with her in it(!), but still a lingering ache for maybe one more.  And now that there's two coming, yeah.  That's good.  I feel it already.  We will be complete.  Even if they come out as alligators, like I keep dreaming they do, we will love those baby alligators and I will nurse their murdering little mouths until my boobs look like the end of a horror movie.

And yes, being pregnant is a wonderful miracle and I'm so happy I got to experience it, because it really is great.  But also, I'm not one of those women that glows when she's pregnant.  Instead I get excessively weird back sweat.  Also, have an insane urge to have the worst hair possible, in a time when my body is doing it's weirdest, and so I cut it all off despite a very strong remembrance of what I looked like in Jr. High.

Oh yeah. What up Alta Vista Elementary!

(I will post this whole picture later, but just so you know those heads right there are not some kids I was babysitting, but were in fact the heads of my best friends.  They didn't even reach my shoulders.  I was about 11 or 12 and six feet tall.  Here's my pants. . .)

  

I mean, they were like feet away from ending at my ankles.  Good thing big puffy socks were in.

21 weeks and the same hair as 6th grade.  *sigh*

It's like pregnancy makes me subconsciously want to look terrible so that I won't feel like a normal, attractive person in some sort of survival mechanism?  As if looking decent will inhibit my mothering?  Or being attractive to my lover is going to make me give the babies cigarettes for breakfast while he and I make out on the counter top?

Well, that actually could happen so it's a good thing I go to bed looking like this.

Also, I have to wear compression socks because of my painful varicose veins.  Like an 80 year old lady.  So, I'm not gonna miss that.  I'm looking forward to the day where I can wear sandals and shorts without looking like a pregnant hooker dressed as a Midwestern tourist in a European country.

Addie doing her best Chris Farley while I try desperately to get her to laugh.  Didn't work.  The woman is a brick wall sometimes.

I can smell everything.  Ever. Y. Thing.  This is great when I'm in a field of flowers, but when I'm not frolicking I'm gagging because I caught a whiff of baby puke Tula has been hiding under some teddy bears, or I'm considering getting a guest house for my baby daddy because he had chili for dinner.

I can't wear normal underwear because of the pressure of having two babies at once puts on my nether regions is akin to setting a bowling ball on your pelvis for months at a time, and undies cutting into my bikini line?  No thank you.  I'll be over here in the corner wearing Josh's boxer briefs like a normal person.  Anyone who says pregnancy brings the sexy back, clearly has NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.  Either that or they are pregnant with a feather.

And my memory?  Well, I forgot what I was writing about about three times since I started this.  That and I continue to have no idea whether or not I've taken my pills seconds after I've taken them and sort of hold my throat to sense if something small has just been swallowed.  Like if I stay really still, and focus, I'll be in tune with my throat enough for it to reveal if I've just taken my prenatal or if I ate that chunk of Reese's Peanut Butter cups I found on my bathroom sink.

I could go on and on, but my point is - I love my babies.  I'm so excited and already in love with these two new ones, but am I excited about being a non-pregnant version of me again?

Hell to the yes.

Except I will miss these boobs.  I love me some pregnant boobs.

Not that they're getting any attention (see above picture of nighttime me), but they're still a nice perk.

Two boys will be great, but for now, sisters are sort of the best thing ever.

I mean.  They both want to be dressed as Elsa.  All.  The.  Time.  Gosh darn that's cute.

We never dressed the same, but love each other just as much.  Maybe more, we've had longer to love each other.

Turns Out We're Having Two. . .

Babies!

Can you imagine?

Ok, just kidding.  We had our big 20 week ultrasound last week and found out we're having. . .

Drum roll please. . .

Man, this weather is weird.

And my hair.  It's so awkward right now.

But, we're having - TWO BOYS!

TWO!

BOYS!

Never in a million years did I think I would be having two boys.  Like, mathematically it's possible, I get it, but I didn't believe it.  I was pretty convinced it was a boy and a girl.  We knew for sure Baby B was a boy, and I was 99% sure Baby A was a girl so when the ultrasound lady started with Baby A and about three seconds in was like, "Ok, Baby A is a boy," I sat up and screamed, "WHAT!?  YOU MEAN B.  BABY B IS A BOY."

And she was all, lay down and chillax.

So, I did.  For about three seconds and then I was like, "ARE YOU SURE!?"

And Josh was all, "You're yelling."

And she was all, "Yes I'm sure, here it is."

Baby boy A!

And yeah.  That was hard to mistake for a girl.  

And then she went to check Baby B, and sure enough. . .

Baby boy B!

Two boys.  Holy mother loving cow.

I had been so nervous all day about everything - making sure they were ok, scared something bad was going to show up, you know the usual worry when you're growing to lives inside of you and you don't know if they're going to come out with alligator skin and a tail or not - so, when I got the boy news it was like this crazy release of adrenaline and I started involuntarily shaking and breathing so hard Josh was visibly scared for me.  He kept whispering for me to take deep breaths and put his hand on my shoulder to hold me steady.  And I had to lay there shaking like that for almost two hours.  Fun!  Then right at the end, when I was sure they each only had one head, I started to relax and the adrenaline wore off and I fell asleep while she was still checking things out because I was so exhausted from being so crazy.

You know, a normal Thursday.

But we are so excited, if not still a little shell shocked.  And it was so amazing to see the two babies in there together.  They were almost playing with each other, punching into the other one's sac, kicking at the same time.  Every time one of them moved the other one would shift so they were in the same position, it was so cute and crazy it felt like I was watching something fake.  

Because I'm still baffled every day.  Like, I won't believe it 'til I see it.

Two babies.

At once.

And they're both boys.

Well, way to turn my world upside down.

Baby A profile.  Hi tiny cute thing!

Baby A's foot.  Surrounded by a bunch of Halloween decorations it looks like.

Baby B profile.  And maybe a little wave.

Closer.

Baby B's crossed feet.  'Cause he's a gentleman.

Oh my gosh, I can't wait.

Comics!

So, with the impending arrival of these two other babies, I'm starting to realize how much free time I actually have.  Of course right now it feels like zero, just like it did before Tula came and I only had one child, and then she got here and I was all "Holy cow, two!?  Who can manage to brush their teeth? One was so easy!". And just like I did before Adeline came when I thought I was so busy with my non-kid life and my ability to do whatever the heck I wanted yet totally took for granted, and then she came and I was like, "A baby? I can never leave the house again!"

My point is, no matter where you are in life, or how many kids you do or do not have, you tend to fill it up, and free time always feels like a thing people just talk about.  A myth.  The great Sasquatch of your life.

Buuuuuut!  This time I'm trying to not take things for granted.  I know what a time consuming thing adding more babies is about to be, so I'm trying to treasure the two hours I get all to myself during the day when my girls nap at the same time (miracle!).  And when Josh is all, "It's 11pm, go to sleep!" I'm all, "But when else do I have time to watch Don't Be Tardy?" And he's all, "What's that?" And I"m all, "It's a spinoff of Real Housewives of Atlanta, with Kim and she has all these wigs. . ." and then he's snoring.

But really, her wigs.  I love them.

So, in an effort to enjoy myself I've started doing a little bit of drawing again.  For fun.  So once a week (I hope) I'm going to try to post some little drawings slash comic-y stuff!

This week is called - Bathtime: Pre-Children.

Next week will be - Bathtime: Post-Children.




(May not be suitable for people who don't want to see a cartoon version of me in the bathtub.  Otherwise, enjoy!)


(Obviously, click to enlarge)

Preschool

So on Monday Addie started preschool!  Like, real, drop her off, pick her up later school!

We had orientation the previous Friday, and I just loved her teachers, but come Sunday night it was like I was the one going back to school again.  Jitters, and nervousness, and not sleeping, and waking up with the anxious-poops and Monday morning I jumped out of bed all high and squeaky, "Everything is going to be fine!!!!"  And Josh was all, "Why are you yelling, Minnie Mouse?  It's 5am."

For the record, I did not let her see me all crazy.  I put Tula down early Sunday night, and took a long bath with Addie, where we talked and played and she spent a lot of time telling me where the babies in my belly were and what they were doing.  It was really nice because we never get alone time.  So, anyway, to her I was calm as a cucumber.  To myself I was all - MY BABY IS STARTING SCHOOL I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PACK A LUNCH!

That one gave me a lot of anxiety for some reason.  Packing a lunch.  I've never really had to do that before.  Suddenly I was all - Oh my gosh, what does she even eat?  Does she even like food?  Do other moms pack cookies?  Should I only pack her cookies to make sure she eats?  Does she know how to peel an orange?  WHO IS THIS GIRL?

And then I had one sip of wine (just one!  everyone is fine!) and calmed myself, and packed a god damn normal lunch.  Yogurt, sandy, grapes, crackers, cookie.  Bam.  The lunch I wished my mom would have packed me.  In my memory we only got cardboard.

And I'm right to have had a little anxiety.  Lots of my friends' kids cry and don't want to be left at first.  I very clearly remember my sister having to cling to my mom for about fifteen minutes before she'd allow her to leave.  So that's sort of what I was expecting.  A few tears.  A look of concern at least.

Instead, she put her lunch in her cubby, and immediately sat down and started gluing things.  I hung around for a few minutes just watching, waiting for the breakdown, nodding at the teachers like, "It's ok, I'm her mom.  She's going to need me in a few."

But she never did.  I sort of realized it was just me and a few other nervous moms hovering around our totally independent kids, so I said goodbye, gave her a kiss and left.

Left to go look at her through the window like a creeper.

Then I pried myself away, got Tula in the car and proceeded to cry my eyes out.

Not because I was sad, or scared, or afraid for her, but because it just seemed like such a huge milestone, this whole school thing.  Like, she's not a tiny kid anymore.  She's an actual kid.  And I love it, but I just can't believe it.

30 seconds after she got into her room.

Ready to do this stuff!

Second day.  Still happy about it!  And I didn't cry this time!

Today was her second day and it went a lot easier (for me).  And she was just as happy to go.  Well, she got a little weepy about it this morning, but then I told her she could have ice cream after school she was suddenly totally excited about it.  Maybe bribes aren't how you're supposed to get kids to school, but in this house, that's what we do. 

All About That Bass

More later, including Adeline's first day of preschool (!) and why the father of my children would risk his life by taking a picture of me in a bikini while I'm five months pregnant with twins.  Fun!


But for now, this is making me so happy.  Like, it's sort of ridiculous.  Addie loves it too.  We're on our fourth time watching it this morning.

Happy Tuesday!








Yes my Mama she told me don't worry about your size
Because boys like a little more booty to hold at night
You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll
So if that's what you're into then go ahead just move along

Because you know I'm all about that bass
No treble

19 Weeks (and lots of profane language) (and sort of a rant) (sorry I'm hormonal!)(but not that sorry)

Oh my gosh how is this only 19 weeks?!

And why's it so pointy?

Apparently the babies are the size of heirloom tomatoes.  Those are some giant tomatoes right there.  I've started to get strangers asking when I'm due and when I say the end of January they all look at me with total confusion and disbelief.  As if I'm either lying, or I don't know what due date means, or I'm about to give birth to a baby elephant.  Then I tell them they're twins and they're all - Oooooooooohhhh, sure.  Good luck with that.  I hope you don't join a psych ward.

The overwhelming response when people learn I'm having twins is a look of terror as they watch my other two sitting quietly in the corner gluing wood chips to their faces.  Not all, some people are genuinely excited for me, but I'd say 90% of the response has been not excited, which believe me I totally get, however a pregnant lady can only take so much pity for something that is happening no matter what.  And up until, oh I don't know, this very morning, I return their look of terror with an apologetic shrug and a nod that says, "I know, I know.  I'm so sorry for me too."  But, then I had one of those moments people probably get in regular life that I don't get that often because I am a people pleaser - but when I'm pregnant that shit goes out the window at some point and I realize that I am in no mood to deal with people being sad for me and preemptively telling me I won't be able to handle it.  It's a big go-f-yourself time in my head and I don't mean to be offensive with that, I'm not saying it with anger or vitriol, I'm using that language in a strong sort of way (last time I'll comment: Josh hates cursing, as do lots of people, I do not find it offensive, in fact I like it, but realize lots of people do not so I try to not use it, however, I'm pregnant so fuck it.  I'll say what I want.)

Aaaaaaanyway, I understand that having twins when I have a three year old and a one year old seems daunting and challenging, because it mother fucking is, but you know what?  We'll survive.  We'll make it.  And my kids are going to be so lucky to have so many siblings so close in age for them to play with, and I am going to be so lucky to be surrounded by a troop of little crazies discovering and learning and growing and loving all at the same time, and I am so blessed to have such a huge amount of love and joy coming my way.  I really, really am.  Yes, it's going to be hard.  Yes, there will probably be lots of crying, and yelling, and screaming (mostly from me), but that. is. ok.  Because family is truly the best thing in the world. And I'm already so happy to have what I have I cannot even fathom what it will be like to love any more than I do.  How lucky I am to get to have my heart expand like that.  Truly.  It's beyond describable.

So, from here on out there will be no more shrugs of apology.  And no more nodding in agreement when people cringe and give me a oh-poor-thing look.  And no more saying "It's twins" under my breath because I'm afraid of how I will be judged.  

I just don't have time for that bullshit.

I have babies to go love.

Labor Day

Well, I just ate two huge breakfast burritos and a dozen Double Stuf Oreos for lunch, so that happened.

I figured if you split that up it's like one burrito and six Oreos per baby.  That's not weird or overboard is it?  No.  That's called fat happy mama = fat happy babies.  (Science!)

So, I had an ultrasound on Tuesday and got to see the little munchkins!  Baby A (the bottom one) was all curled up and cozy, and Baby B (the last one out) was all whooo hooooo!  Here I am!  Check this out!  And then we totally found out what Baby B was!  But I'm not gonna say, because we're waiting until next week for the big 20 week ultrasounds to find out if they're both healthy and good and what they both are before we announce it.  Bwahahahaha so mean!  (Unless of course you live within a 50 mile radius of my mother-in-law, or if she's ever had your phone number, then you already know what Baby B is. I'm pretty sure the pizza delivery guy knows what it is. Girlfriend cannot keep a secret when she's excited!) (Which is why we love her!  She got so excited it made me even more excited and then suddenly I was jumping up and down while on the phone with her and squealing like a high school cheerleader who pees her pants when she jumps up and down.)

Also, I hope everyone had a good Labor Day.  We decided to take the girls on a hike, and they loved it, and Adeline actually hiked the whole way up, super proud of herself the whole time.  I mean, Josh had to carry her and Tula down the whole way, but still!  She did the uphill part!

Resting on a stump, because if there's a stump in the middle of the road you sit.

Enjoying the view and the gorgeous little ladies.

Carrying two ladies at once.  Can't wait to see him do it with four.

So happy for her first time in the backpack!  It's like the adventure of a lifetime!

Trouble

So, I was just making lunch for everyone and the house got quiet for two whole minutes and I just took a deep breath and was like, "Oh this is so nice.  Maybe we're at the point where the kids playing quietly together and I can do things." and then I stepped outside of myself and slapped myself in the face.  Hard.

Because nothing good can come from a quiet Tula.  Addie was calmly rubbing peanut butter into the dog's fur, which was no big deal, but Tula I couldn't see so I ran around the house until I found her, and this is what I discovered happening:

Tula dipping her dad's board shorts into the toilet.

(Sorry honey!  Also, you need a new toothbrush.)

Now that she's been caught she dips even faster and with more glee.

Did I mention this was an unflushed toilet?

Addie thought the whole thing was hilarious.  And then went back to peanut buttering the dog.

Oh my gosh!  Also, have I mentioned how darling Addie is right now?  She has these amazing, weird little conversations with us and she's so polite (unless she's not - in which case she's practically on the verge of using the f word, dropping her mic and walking off stage), but like sometimes when I tuck her in at night she'll say, "Thanks so much for coming to say goodnight to me Mommy!"  as if I never do it?  It's so adorable that I end up crawling into bed and asking Josh if we should wake her up and bring her in with us.

"Don't you want a family bed?"

"What's that?"

"Like where all of us sleep in the same bed."

"Like all the time?"

"Yeah."

". . ."

". . ."

"Absolutely not."

And he's right, but sometimes it seems like such a good idea!

The other day Addie was in one of her grateful and complimentary and happy with everything modes and Josh came back from a run and hopped into the shower while we were all doing things in the room and Addie casually walked past him and said, "Hey Dad, nice penis," and then kept on doing her thing.

Josh and I stared at each other and then giggled so hard.

Oh kids.  Keeping it classy.