Friday, November 4, 2011
Sometimes, when the whole house is asleep, I sit up in bed, in the pitch dark, sipping boxed wine and eating not one but two ice cream snickers bars - two, not because I am a tubbo, but because I am used to eating the King Sized ones, and we only have normal sized ones which are entirely way too small for someone who has to do things like eat ice cream and drink wine at 3am, while her boyfriend snores cozily next to her, and the cat shoots her questionable looks, because it's the only peace and quiet she gets during the day where she's not working, or mom-ing and dammit if she isn't going to enjoy that precious five minutes by eating and drinking herself into a nice little midnight nap before she has to get up and nurse her monster-y little pork chops and start the day again, hoping to god she'll remember to put on deodorant this time because even the baby seemed offended that one day.
Dear Snickers Makers,
Don't even bother with the normal sized ones. They are bullshit.
Everyone Who's Ever Had A Child
Also, you know you're in a different stage in your relationship when you stop eating the ice cream bars in the middle of the night, and instead bring both of them into bed with you at 10pm when you're magically both going to sleep at the same time, you don't even pretend to just bring one anymore and then have to sneak out and say something weird like, "That first one didn't taste right", but instead crawl into bed, kiss your boyfriend before you turn on your laptop to watch an episode of Will and Grace while washing down your little treat with the finest boxed wine Cost Plus World Market had to offer!
And that stage is called 'Parenthood'. Things are different in this stage. There are no walls, no facades, no pretending you don't go number 2 anymore (which every girl does, like a maniac, even when you live with the person you'll run around hiding it, and waiting until he leaves the house, thrilled to have some privacy, only to be totally horrified when he forgets his wallet and comes back into the house shouting, "Honey where are you?" and you don't want to say, "In here!" because then he'll come and try to talk to you through the door about your relationship or something equally serious that you'd been trying to discuss with him all morning, but does he want to talk about it then - nooooo - he was too busy watching Sports Center and teaching the dog to do karate chops with his front paws, but now he wants to talk, so instead of saying, "In here!" you get all quiet and shut your eyes hoping he'll get magically hypnotized and walk right out of the house without further looking for you, but of course that doesn't happen, the silence just makes him more curious, so suddenly he's standing at the door, trying to open it for Christ's sake, and you're all screaming, "NO NO NO NO! Don't come in!!!!!!" while simultaneously trying to grab a bath towel to cover yourself up as if that's going to hide the fact that you're going to the bathroom, like he's going to be tricked by the towel and just say, "Oh, you must be showering. See you later, just forgot my wallet." But no, once he hears the panic, he jiggles the door even more [because boys are mean] and says, "Uh oh. . . what're you doing in there." - "Go away." - "Is something going on in there?" - "Please go away." - "Are you dropping the kids off?" - "Oh my god." - Then some more talking and laughing, and you resolve to never come out of the bathroom, never, ever again, as long as you both shall live, Amen.)
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, stages. Once a person sees another person coming out of your hoo-ha it's all out in the open ya'll. Which I gotta say, is kinda nice. I thought that once we'd hit this stage all the magic would be lost. That suddenly we'd be like roommates instead of a loving couple, but it turns out it's nice to be so comfortable with someone and know they still want to make out with you. You know, if the baby is asleep and you were actually capable of making out before falling asleep with your shoes still on.
A few pics that have nothing do with the blog:
Our last warm day we made it out for a long walk. And by 'we' I mean, I walked, the Pork Chop fell asleep. Lazy.
Someone is very suspicious a lot of the time.
Sneaking a peek.