Skype

So Addie's daddy is gone for a few weeks so we're indulging in a lot of illegal gambling, hookers, and blow. You know, all the stuff he won't let us do at home.  Addie looooves hookers.

Well, fine, she just sort of likes them.

Anyway, her dad is gone and since she's changing every ding dong minute we decided to try to Skype today which was awesome for about three seconds, and then all shit hit the fan because she was like, "Oh my God Mom look it's Dad how fun!  Yay it's Dad! Dad's right WHATTHEFUCKWHYISDADALLFLATANDSTUCKINTHELAPTOP NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HELP HIM! WAIT, DON'T TOUCH HIM! HELP HIM! WAIT, DON'T TOUCH HIM! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!  WAIT, I HEAR MY DAD!  ACK IT'S STILL THE LAPTOP TALKING TO ME AND IT STOLE MY DAD!!!!!  MAKE IT STOP! I DON'T LIKE IT I DON'T LIKE IT MOM HELP ME!!!"

Girlfriend did not like it.

It was so sweet because she was so excited to see him and hear his voice but then her excitement crumbled into a pile of tears because her dad had been imprisoned in the laptop, and laptop-dad was making really scary eyes at us.  She clung to me and buried her head in my shoulder while her dad and I kept chatting and eventually she worked up the nerve to peek out over at him.  By the end of our talk she had released one of her death grips to suck her thumb, but the other hand was still firmly clutching a good chunk of my skin.  Poor little thing.  No wonder we don't have memories of being a baby, parent's just disappear  into tiny electronics? No thank you!  Pooping in the middle of a restaurant?  Not when I'm sober!  Rectal thermometers? No. No. No.  I don't want to remember anything before I turned 16.  That's the age I convinced myself no one was really waiting in my closet every night to possibly murder me.  Before that I lived a terrified life.

But that's a different post about overactive imaginations and how they should not ever mix with scary movies.  Ever.  Or even the Halloween episode of Facts of Life.  That shit still haunts me.

So, anyway - Adeline is changing up a storm.  I'll write more details about it later but for now here's a barrage of pictures of her from our last few weeks of island living!

Here's Dad getting ready to flee the island.

Bye, bye Daddy!

It was a long swim home.

In the meantime we enjoyed a lot of fun sandy time!  I'm not gonna say where I've been finding sand on this baby, but I will say - it's in her vagina.

(How does it get through the pants??)

Also, I gave myself a haircut.  Bangs in da house!

I love eating sand!

And playing on the playground!

Oh also, she's all about being held on my person in some way, therefore in order to get anything done, I have to have her in the Moby at all times.

Unless she's in the hiking backpack.  This is how I got the floors vacuumed the other day.

And then we Moby-ed again.

Yay girls!  It looks like five girls in this picture, but it's really seven!!!

(The other two ladies are preggo) (Next year is gonna be RIDICULOUS)

Yeah, then we spent a lot of time naked.  And covered in diaper cream.  

Aaaaahhhhh I want to squeeze that chubber little tushy!

And thus I end with pictures Adeline will surely be using in therapy as examples of why she is always being embarrassed by her mom.  And I don't care.  Because look at that naked baby.  That's freaking precious.

Just Psychic Enough To Know Where The Last Donut Is, Not Enough To Notice The Poop

I'm not saying having a baby changes you, all I'm saying is that now I can pretty much walk around with poop on my arm and not freak out about it.  Even though I haven't changed a poopy diaper in twelve hours.  And I've showered since then.

Also, getting pregnant made me psychic. Not like really psychic where I could have my own TLC show about it (Oh my god that woman is amazing!  Seriously, she's all kinds of witchy.), but in weird ways like everyone was guessing when I was going to actually have Addie and I knew totally it was going to be the 15th, even though it was two weeks before she was due, something inside me totally knew, and so I told my mom about it just so I would seem like a total phony when I was like, "I had a feeling she'd be early".  And then BAM!  Baby arrival.  Also, I kept sort of freaking out that the cord was gonna get wrapped around her neck, and I'd have dreams about it and then when she was born - cord around her neck!  Ok, so maybe I'm not psychic, maybe it's all coincidence, but then today you guys, I totally was like, I need to get to the donut shop before they sell that last chocolate long john because I do not want a gross one with custard, custard sort of ruins the donut and then I have to eat around the custard to get just the donut part and inevitably I'll get some sort of custard in my bite and it will be all squishy and gross and then I'll have to lick my boyfriend's donut to get the taste of bad custard bite out of my mouth and he'll be all, "Dude, did you just lick my donut?" and I'll be all, "But the custard!" and he'll be all, "Give me the custard and you go make yourself a bagel" and I'll be all, "Bagel?  BAGEL? It's donut time and you want me to make a bagel?!  How disgusting are you?" and he'll be all, "You're the one mutilating that poor donut" and then I'll look down and see it all chewed and mutilated, custard oozing from it like a wounded animal and then I will start to feel really sad for it because my hormones are all out of whack and I will lick a little bit of the custard so as not to hurt the donut's feelings (oh yeah, I'm that crazy) but then I'll remember I hate custard and will have to throw the whole thing away and be really, really sad that my whole donut morning was ruined all because I didn't get to the donut store on time.  So you guys, I went to the donut store and guess what?  There was one non-custard left JUST LIKE I THOUGHT!

If that isn't psychic powers I don't know what is.

Your psychosis is delicious Mama.

Uh, it's 'psychic' daughter.

Sure it is.

Aside from the every day donut we've been working and hanging out at fish festivals and stuff.  Adeline loved the fish festival her dad took her to.  

And I love him.  Saves the world in 24 hours every few years and cares enough to put a hat on her so she doesn't get burned?  Whole package my friends.  Whole mother f-ing package.

Working Vacation

Sorry it's been like two weeks since I've posted, but it's not because I was being lazy, it's because I was in prison.

For murder.

Ok, no it's not, but you would have felt really bad if that's the reason I hadn't been blogging and you were all, "Gosh she's lazy" and your friend was all, "Actually she's in prison for murder", and you'd be all, "Oh my gosh, that is so not like her" and then your friend would be all, "Uh, have you ever seen her hungry? That bitch can get loco yo." And your friend would be right. I am not a happy person when I'm hungry. Luckily I figured that out at the end of my twenties so now I carry a purse just for food. That's right, you heard me. A purse. Just. For. Food. It also now doubles as my diaper bag because apparently my daughter has inherited my trait of hunger-murder-hysteria, so I need to feed her and myself on the hour every hour so that we both don't freak out and ruin lives. (And by "lives" I mean "life" as in her father's since he's the one who usually has to deal with the downpour of cray that results from hunger.) (Also, back a few sentences ago I tried to spell 'trait' with a 'g', like 'traight' - because babies make you stupid. Which is why I won't see a female doctor who has kids, because you guys, she's totally not as smart as she was when she went to medical school because babies suck out your brains through your boobs and then you're all confused and can't remember anything and I don't know about you but I don't want a doctor who doesn't know the difference between trait and traight.) (Ok, to be fair, I doubt many, if any, doctors confuse the spelling of trait. I'm sure it's perfectly safe to get operated on by a woman.) (Good luck.)

 What was I talking about?

 Oh yeah, so I haven't written in a while. That's because we have relocated! Temporarily! My boyfriend's brother just got married -

Yes, they wore those through the whole Catholic ceremony.  So did the priest.

(No he didn't)

So we flew out to California for the wedding and are staying her for a long visit, and it's hard to move your life for a buncha weeks at a time. So I'll get back to it, but for now, here's pictures!

First arrival to the island, she's already drunk.  And happy.

Now on the beach, and though it looks like she's foaming at the mouth, that's actually milk I poured all over her trying to get the sand out of her mouth because she loves eating sand.  And rocks.

Drinking again.  I think she has a problem.

Her and her dad getting ready to go on a hike.  Jack Bauer really is a great father.

Me and Adeline getting ready to hit up the wedding.  She was in the biggest, cutest tutu I've ever seen.  I'm holding it down in this picture so it doesn't try to engulf us both.  It was so huge it would often float up in the wind and hide all of my baby so that I didn't know if she was even still in the thing or if I was just holding a giant tuft of tutu.  It was adorable and scary all at the same time.  But mostly adorable.