Things They Don't Tell You About

People always tell you you're gonna be tired when you have a baby.

A BABY.

And that seems reasonable. Sure, I'll be tired, babies need to eat and stuff. They need to be, like, cared for at all hours. But that's where it ends. That's where the whole, "You'll be tired" talk goes, and so you unconsciously think to yourself, "Cool, I can handle 9-12 months of being tired. And then my child will sleep through the night forever, and ever, Amen, and I'll go back to looking like a normal human, and acting like I know why I came into this room."

But that's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard.

What they should say is - say goodbye to your happy looking eyes, they're about to be surrounded by dark circles of death!

Today I was talking to my friend Tiana and we were discussing how there's a difference between being tired, and being sick-tired, and being tired-tired, and then being hungover-tired, and being I-just-cleaned-up-explosive-poop-while-being-puked-on-tired, and being why-the-fuck-is-my-phone-in-the-fridge-AGAIN-tired, and being I-just-ate-a-pint-of-ice-cream-for-dinner-because-there-was-nothing-else-and-my-kids-were-all-asleep-so-I-couldn't-drive-to-Taco-Bell-like-I-wanted-tired, and being I-can't-have-sex-with-you-because-I-just-cleaned-the-toilet-you-use-tired, and being mother-fucking-tired.

Do you see a common theme here?

There's always a baseline tired once you have kids.

IT. NEVER. GOES. AWAY.

I asked her like five times when they last time she wasn't tired was, and she couldn't tell me. Even if you go on vacation you're super tired because you're catching up on sleep from all the lack of sleep.

I typically start my day thinking about how much coffee I'm going to need to get through it. You people (yes, I'm saying that with squinty eyes while shaking my head) who "don't drink coffee" because you "have enough energy without it" and "don't like the way it makes you feel" or "the way it tastes" - I applaud you, and simultaneously do not understand how you have not fallen into a deep, deep coma. "Good for you guys."

I hear that one day I won't be tired anymore, but my kids all sleep through the night, people. That's not the problem. The problem is they're still awake during the day. Having kids is like getting on a treadmill that speeds up and slows down at will, shouts random demands at you while it decides to surprise you with rage, or sock you in the face with sadness, and sneezes in your mouth when you yawn.

It's an emotional treadmill of lovey doom.

But damnit if it's not worth every sleepless, horrible minute.

I'll take the dark circles and the bags under my eyes for these suckers any day.