Things They Don't Tell You About

People always tell you you're gonna be tired when you have a baby.

A BABY.

And that seems reasonable. Sure, I'll be tired, babies need to eat and stuff. They need to be, like, cared for at all hours. But that's where it ends. That's where the whole, "You'll be tired" talk goes, and so you unconsciously think to yourself, "Cool, I can handle 9-12 months of being tired. And then my child will sleep through the night forever, and ever, Amen, and I'll go back to looking like a normal human, and acting like I know why I came into this room."

But that's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard.

What they should say is - say goodbye to your happy looking eyes, they're about to be surrounded by dark circles of death!

Today I was talking to my friend Tiana and we were discussing how there's a difference between being tired, and being sick-tired, and being tired-tired, and then being hungover-tired, and being I-just-cleaned-up-explosive-poop-while-being-puked-on-tired, and being why-the-fuck-is-my-phone-in-the-fridge-AGAIN-tired, and being I-just-ate-a-pint-of-ice-cream-for-dinner-because-there-was-nothing-else-and-my-kids-were-all-asleep-so-I-couldn't-drive-to-Taco-Bell-like-I-wanted-tired, and being I-can't-have-sex-with-you-because-I-just-cleaned-the-toilet-you-use-tired, and being mother-fucking-tired.

Do you see a common theme here?

There's always a baseline tired once you have kids.

IT. NEVER. GOES. AWAY.

I asked her like five times when they last time she wasn't tired was, and she couldn't tell me. Even if you go on vacation you're super tired because you're catching up on sleep from all the lack of sleep.

I typically start my day thinking about how much coffee I'm going to need to get through it. You people (yes, I'm saying that with squinty eyes while shaking my head) who "don't drink coffee" because you "have enough energy without it" and "don't like the way it makes you feel" or "the way it tastes" - I applaud you, and simultaneously do not understand how you have not fallen into a deep, deep coma. "Good for you guys."

I hear that one day I won't be tired anymore, but my kids all sleep through the night, people. That's not the problem. The problem is they're still awake during the day. Having kids is like getting on a treadmill that speeds up and slows down at will, shouts random demands at you while it decides to surprise you with rage, or sock you in the face with sadness, and sneezes in your mouth when you yawn.

It's an emotional treadmill of lovey doom.

But damnit if it's not worth every sleepless, horrible minute.

I'll take the dark circles and the bags under my eyes for these suckers any day.

Always Hungry

Today I found myself yelling, "No you CANNOT have a salad!" to my four year old.

Because that's logical.

But really, kids are so manipulative they will twist and turn you so hard you'll be saying no to veggies and demanding they finish their cocaine before bed.

Adeline's fav thing to do is ask for snacks before naps and bed. And I always give in because we are basically the same person and if I'm even the slightest bit hungry I am either on the brink of death or the brink of murdering someone. Pretty much if my blood sugar is low someone is going to die.

So, despite the fact everyone thinks I'm crazy for letting my four year old stay up late to eat ("She should eat at dinner and if she doesn't finish, let her be hungry, she'll learn!" or "Offer her a snack at 7pm and that's it!"  Ok, you guys. Cool, plan. Except I do all that. She DOES get a snack at 7pm, but then at 8:30 she's starving again. And how do I know this? BECAUSE WE ARE BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON. I know her very thoughts and feelings before she has them.

Put that in her future-psychologist-fund and suck on it.)

(For the record, I do not feel that way with my other three. I love them beyond life itself, and I am super intuitive about them, but Adeline and I are in sync with our food needs like N'Sync was in sync with their masterful vocal styling sync-y-ness.)

I do it because she needs to eat so that she doesn't wake up in the middle of her nap crying and trying to stab someone.

BUT.

Sometimes, she does go a little overboard, and gets a little too demand-y with her snack options. Can I bring her a granola bar? Hell yes. Can I make some wild rice and steamed asparagus for her? No. Does she want pretzels and cream cheese? Sure. That sounds good, I will have some too. But can I make her an effing salad with olives and steamed asparagus? Not when it's 10 minutes into nap time and I only have 50 minutes of quiet time left to myself, and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend 8 more of it steaming damned asparagus!

STEAM YOUR OWN ASPARAGUS, ADELINE!

Jeeze.

Of course, then I inhaled a donut in about 4 seconds flat while I was raging about the audacity of my daughter to ask for a salad - A SALAD - of all things! And about 30 seconds after that, the donut hit my belly and started to work it's amazing blood sugar magic, and suddenly I realized that here was a girl asking for something healthy and I should not be denying it. Because I want her to want to eat healthy things. And I want to encourage that sort of snack option.

And because I am a giant pushover.

But really, who doesn't love asparagus?

Or this girl?