The Barefoot Files: Labor and Delivery Part 1

Sorry it's taken so long! The babies are five and a half weeks old already! I'm not sure how that happened so fast, I feel like I was just in the hospital with a grown woman's arm all up in me (Oh my god, ALL up in there) (Like if I birth a watch later we'll know where it came from.) (more on that later), and now I have the all clear to exercise and have sex already!

Not that either of those are going to happen because the way I get pregnant I'll be doing sit ups and Josh will text me and I'll get pregnant. Instead, we will from here on out express our love with high fives and sexy winks. Because four kids are amazing, truly, I cannot tell you how in love I am with these little boys! But also, four kids is enough. So we're going on the pill, the diaphragm, condoms, foam, the female condom, the depo shot, a nicotine patch, and a vasectomy.

Not that you needed to know all that, but there you go! I will literally have a drugstore in my vagina.

Ok, on to the babies!

Oh, how miserable I was those last few week.

This is me the day before I had the babies.

Not even gonna pretend.

I'm not typically a I-need-my-mommy type of a person. I mean I talk to her on the phone every day and of course I need her, but I'm also INCREDIBLY stubborn and independent and hate to be told what to do, so I need her but I don't usually need her to come in help me because the inner three year old in me always says, "No! I'll do it myself!" But a few days after Christmas I was so uncomfortable, and unable to move or do anything that I called my mom crying and begged her to get on a plane that second. Which she did without question. Because she is my mom. A superhero.

And I thought I was going to have the babies any second. And then she was here for two weeks and the babies still were not here! Those boys were hanging on with all their might, much to the shock of everyone. Even the doctor who checked me was like, "I don't think we'll see you again." But of course I saw them. I walked around four centimeters dilated and at zero station (head is pretty much out) for a LONG time. Usually when you're that progressed you're in the hospital screaming in pain, but my body was all, Nah. Let's just slowly eek these suckers out and test Amy's will to live.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I really couldn't even breathe without being uncomfortable especially with the PUPPS rash taking over my body in a cruel form of torture on someone full term pregs with two massive boys.

You get it. Mama wasn't happy.

I know I'm smiling, but that's only so I won't cry in front of Addie. Again.

So, anyway - Friday Jan 9th I went into the hospital to get a test done to make sure things were ok in there. I was sure we were leaving. I was sure we were going home and I'd be pregnant forever, but everyone else had other plans.

My doctor walked in and was like, "Hey! Let's have these babies today!" and I immediately started shaking and sweating and hyperventilating. Not because I didn't want to have them, but because I didn't want to have them. Like, having babies is not easy and I sort of prefer not knowing things are about to get ridiculously painful, I'd rather just have it happen. I also had a premonition it was going to be fast and furious and was not ready for the chaos. But oh man I had no idea how fast or furious.

But luckily (?) I had Strep B this time and had to be on antibiotics for four hours before anything could happen so while I was getting that Josh and I chilled on my hospital bed and watched back to back episodes of Say Yes To The Dress. Because he loves me. And I was about to give him two sons so he can watch whatever I say he can watch!

(Just kidding, he secretly loves Say Yes To The Dress. And So You Think You Can Dance. And Teen Mom.)

And then, after those four hours flew by my doctor bounced in and announced she was going to break my water. Easy!

And she did.

And that's when shit. got. real. ya'll.

But first! Some pictures.