From Yesterday

Yesterday I was not a good mom.

Most days I like to think I'm pretty good.  That I'm doing an ok job.  I'm happy, the kids are happy, everyone has been fed and no one has been sitting in poop for more than a few minutes.  Those are good things.  Most days I love what I'm doing, I adore all four kids, and I can't imagine not having them in my life.  Most days I can successfully take all four to Target, Costco, the mall, the museum, the library, or the park all by myself and we have a good time.  Yes, my house is messier than I'd like, and yes although I do laundry every day it doesn't necessarily get put away that same day (or week), but eh.  It's just for a short time.  It's just until these little suckers get old enough to do chores and then I'll have my own little Annie orphanage of sorts to put to work!  And yes, the only free time I have is an hour in the afternoon when they're all asleep at the same time (if I'm lucky), and an hour after everyone goes to sleep at night which means I'm up waaaaaay later than I want to be, but that's ok because I need that hour.  And it's all ok because most days, I can handle it and feel really great about where we are right now.  I'm lucky.

But not yesterday.

Yesterday I was not a good mom.

Yesterday I lost my temper, I screamed back, I let them see my I-want-to-sell-you-to-gypsies-face.  I gave in when they wanted candy so the screaming would stop.  I put on movies so they'd give me a few minutes of quiet.  I yelled when they yelled.  I threw tantrums right along with them.  I cried when they cried.  I grit my teeth, I said "Because I said so", I literally threw something across the house because I was so sick of getting hit with it.  I did not hold my shit together very well.

Not all day obviously.  There were nice moments.  There were still hugs, and kisses, and stories that got read, and songs that got sung, and puzzles that got put together, and everyone got some sort of meal, and baths were had.  And I told them I loved them.  So many times.

But for the most part I do not feel good about yesterday.

But I am also ok with that.

Out of the last six weeks of having four teeny tiny kids I can count on one hand the amount of significantly bad times we've had.  And that's including these last two weeks of having five out of the six of us be super sick.

And I'd say those are pretty good odds.  I'd say that's downright pretty great.

It doesn't mean yesterday doesn't feel bad.  It does.  It's lingering in my mouth like a bad taste, it's clouding my thoughts a little this morning.  But I'm pushing it aside, and telling myself - that's ok.  Yesterdays happen.  You are doing a great job.

Repeat after me: your kids are alive and you love them - you are doing a great job.

And today will be better.

Today I will be a better mom.