Finding Out

I always thought the day I would find out I was pregnant would be a magical day filled with tears and overwhelming happiness, and violin music, and both me and my partner would be so happy we'd laugh, and embrace, and laugh some more, choking back sobs of joy and general feelings of it being the best day ever.

I always pictured finding out on my own and then taking my time to tell the father-to-be in a very romantic, loving way. Like over a home cooked meal, or by quickly crocheting a blanket with the words "It's a boy" in it and laying it over us while we settled in to watch something on tv.

More often than not, I imagined it would happen over a candlelit bubble bath. Something exactly like this:

That is exactly not how it went.

(and yes, I put a stick I peed on four months ago in my mouth. the peed on part was covered!)

Instead of being calm, cool, and collected - I took three tests in a matter of four minutes and screamed after each one a flurry of curse words and shocked accusations at the world, as if I had just been set on fire but didn't know what fire was.

I wasn't alone like I'd always thought, the perpetrator of my pregnancy was sitting in the living room where I could see him through the un-closed bathroom door, and we weren't having a home cooked meal - we had just picked up a 16 inch pizza from the local pizza place and we were washing it down with a mixture of red wine and coca cola. In the same glass.

And instead of tears of joy, I had tears of confusion. "What is this? WHAT IS THIS." I insisted showing him the stick. Not that I was upset or disappointed, I just . . . I just didn't think it would happen. You hear about babies, and you hear that people make them, but then when it happens - when you realize you just started a life - A LIFE FOR GOD'S SAKE - it is so overwhelmingly shocking it's unbelievable. And doesn't make sense. And is so thrilling you want to scream. Realize you actually are screaming. Stop screaming and try to catch your breath. Is so exciting you want to cry. Realize you are crying. Suddenly there's like seven thousand emotional things going on and you are about to burst except all you can do is think, "Do I have time to run the bubble bath and try to do this over again?"

But there's no going back. So he found because you cussed it at him? I'm sure it was still special. In it's own way. At the very least you'll always remember it.

The day you found out you were pregnant. And screamed.