Skype

So Addie's daddy is gone for a few weeks so we're indulging in a lot of illegal gambling, hookers, and blow. You know, all the stuff he won't let us do at home.  Addie looooves hookers.

Well, fine, she just sort of likes them.

Anyway, her dad is gone and since she's changing every ding dong minute we decided to try to Skype today which was awesome for about three seconds, and then all shit hit the fan because she was like, "Oh my God Mom look it's Dad how fun!  Yay it's Dad! Dad's right WHATTHEFUCKWHYISDADALLFLATANDSTUCKINTHELAPTOP NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HELP HIM! WAIT, DON'T TOUCH HIM! HELP HIM! WAIT, DON'T TOUCH HIM! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!  WAIT, I HEAR MY DAD!  ACK IT'S STILL THE LAPTOP TALKING TO ME AND IT STOLE MY DAD!!!!!  MAKE IT STOP! I DON'T LIKE IT I DON'T LIKE IT MOM HELP ME!!!"

Girlfriend did not like it.

It was so sweet because she was so excited to see him and hear his voice but then her excitement crumbled into a pile of tears because her dad had been imprisoned in the laptop, and laptop-dad was making really scary eyes at us.  She clung to me and buried her head in my shoulder while her dad and I kept chatting and eventually she worked up the nerve to peek out over at him.  By the end of our talk she had released one of her death grips to suck her thumb, but the other hand was still firmly clutching a good chunk of my skin.  Poor little thing.  No wonder we don't have memories of being a baby, parent's just disappear  into tiny electronics? No thank you!  Pooping in the middle of a restaurant?  Not when I'm sober!  Rectal thermometers? No. No. No.  I don't want to remember anything before I turned 16.  That's the age I convinced myself no one was really waiting in my closet every night to possibly murder me.  Before that I lived a terrified life.

But that's a different post about overactive imaginations and how they should not ever mix with scary movies.  Ever.  Or even the Halloween episode of Facts of Life.  That shit still haunts me.

So, anyway - Adeline is changing up a storm.  I'll write more details about it later but for now here's a barrage of pictures of her from our last few weeks of island living!

Here's Dad getting ready to flee the island.

Bye, bye Daddy!

It was a long swim home.

In the meantime we enjoyed a lot of fun sandy time!  I'm not gonna say where I've been finding sand on this baby, but I will say - it's in her vagina.

(How does it get through the pants??)

Also, I gave myself a haircut.  Bangs in da house!

I love eating sand!

And playing on the playground!

Oh also, she's all about being held on my person in some way, therefore in order to get anything done, I have to have her in the Moby at all times.

Unless she's in the hiking backpack.  This is how I got the floors vacuumed the other day.

And then we Moby-ed again.

Yay girls!  It looks like five girls in this picture, but it's really seven!!!

(The other two ladies are preggo) (Next year is gonna be RIDICULOUS)

Yeah, then we spent a lot of time naked.  And covered in diaper cream.  

Aaaaahhhhh I want to squeeze that chubber little tushy!

And thus I end with pictures Adeline will surely be using in therapy as examples of why she is always being embarrassed by her mom.  And I don't care.  Because look at that naked baby.  That's freaking precious.

Just Psychic Enough To Know Where The Last Donut Is, Not Enough To Notice The Poop

I'm not saying having a baby changes you, all I'm saying is that now I can pretty much walk around with poop on my arm and not freak out about it.  Even though I haven't changed a poopy diaper in twelve hours.  And I've showered since then.

Also, getting pregnant made me psychic. Not like really psychic where I could have my own TLC show about it (Oh my god that woman is amazing!  Seriously, she's all kinds of witchy.), but in weird ways like everyone was guessing when I was going to actually have Addie and I knew totally it was going to be the 15th, even though it was two weeks before she was due, something inside me totally knew, and so I told my mom about it just so I would seem like a total phony when I was like, "I had a feeling she'd be early".  And then BAM!  Baby arrival.  Also, I kept sort of freaking out that the cord was gonna get wrapped around her neck, and I'd have dreams about it and then when she was born - cord around her neck!  Ok, so maybe I'm not psychic, maybe it's all coincidence, but then today you guys, I totally was like, I need to get to the donut shop before they sell that last chocolate long john because I do not want a gross one with custard, custard sort of ruins the donut and then I have to eat around the custard to get just the donut part and inevitably I'll get some sort of custard in my bite and it will be all squishy and gross and then I'll have to lick my boyfriend's donut to get the taste of bad custard bite out of my mouth and he'll be all, "Dude, did you just lick my donut?" and I'll be all, "But the custard!" and he'll be all, "Give me the custard and you go make yourself a bagel" and I'll be all, "Bagel?  BAGEL? It's donut time and you want me to make a bagel?!  How disgusting are you?" and he'll be all, "You're the one mutilating that poor donut" and then I'll look down and see it all chewed and mutilated, custard oozing from it like a wounded animal and then I will start to feel really sad for it because my hormones are all out of whack and I will lick a little bit of the custard so as not to hurt the donut's feelings (oh yeah, I'm that crazy) but then I'll remember I hate custard and will have to throw the whole thing away and be really, really sad that my whole donut morning was ruined all because I didn't get to the donut store on time.  So you guys, I went to the donut store and guess what?  There was one non-custard left JUST LIKE I THOUGHT!

If that isn't psychic powers I don't know what is.

Your psychosis is delicious Mama.

Uh, it's 'psychic' daughter.

Sure it is.

Aside from the every day donut we've been working and hanging out at fish festivals and stuff.  Adeline loved the fish festival her dad took her to.  

And I love him.  Saves the world in 24 hours every few years and cares enough to put a hat on her so she doesn't get burned?  Whole package my friends.  Whole mother f-ing package.

Working Vacation

Sorry it's been like two weeks since I've posted, but it's not because I was being lazy, it's because I was in prison.

For murder.

Ok, no it's not, but you would have felt really bad if that's the reason I hadn't been blogging and you were all, "Gosh she's lazy" and your friend was all, "Actually she's in prison for murder", and you'd be all, "Oh my gosh, that is so not like her" and then your friend would be all, "Uh, have you ever seen her hungry? That bitch can get loco yo." And your friend would be right. I am not a happy person when I'm hungry. Luckily I figured that out at the end of my twenties so now I carry a purse just for food. That's right, you heard me. A purse. Just. For. Food. It also now doubles as my diaper bag because apparently my daughter has inherited my trait of hunger-murder-hysteria, so I need to feed her and myself on the hour every hour so that we both don't freak out and ruin lives. (And by "lives" I mean "life" as in her father's since he's the one who usually has to deal with the downpour of cray that results from hunger.) (Also, back a few sentences ago I tried to spell 'trait' with a 'g', like 'traight' - because babies make you stupid. Which is why I won't see a female doctor who has kids, because you guys, she's totally not as smart as she was when she went to medical school because babies suck out your brains through your boobs and then you're all confused and can't remember anything and I don't know about you but I don't want a doctor who doesn't know the difference between trait and traight.) (Ok, to be fair, I doubt many, if any, doctors confuse the spelling of trait. I'm sure it's perfectly safe to get operated on by a woman.) (Good luck.)

 What was I talking about?

 Oh yeah, so I haven't written in a while. That's because we have relocated! Temporarily! My boyfriend's brother just got married -

Yes, they wore those through the whole Catholic ceremony.  So did the priest.

(No he didn't)

So we flew out to California for the wedding and are staying her for a long visit, and it's hard to move your life for a buncha weeks at a time. So I'll get back to it, but for now, here's pictures!

First arrival to the island, she's already drunk.  And happy.

Now on the beach, and though it looks like she's foaming at the mouth, that's actually milk I poured all over her trying to get the sand out of her mouth because she loves eating sand.  And rocks.

Drinking again.  I think she has a problem.

Her and her dad getting ready to go on a hike.  Jack Bauer really is a great father.

Me and Adeline getting ready to hit up the wedding.  She was in the biggest, cutest tutu I've ever seen.  I'm holding it down in this picture so it doesn't try to engulf us both.  It was so huge it would often float up in the wind and hide all of my baby so that I didn't know if she was even still in the thing or if I was just holding a giant tuft of tutu.  It was adorable and scary all at the same time.  But mostly adorable.

Move Your Body

This is the main reason I'm putting Addie in dance lessons the second she shows interest.



So one day she can be in a Beyonce video!  Aim high!

Or so that one day she can be Beyonce.  A white, six foot two, gangly Addiyonce.



(P.S. I love that chubby little white kid.  Work it.)

Mother's Day

I hope everyone had a really great Mother's Day!

A quick shout out to my mom: Thanks for being such a great mom! Also, now that I'm a mom I want to apologize. You know, for my years 12-16. Give or take a decade. I love you!

Being a parent is so crazy because you suddenly realize what you thought was love before is really nothing. It's so tiny compared to what you feel for your babies. Even if they are puking, crying little monsters - you love them more than anything in the world. As my aunt puts it, "You've joined the I-would-kill-for-you club".

She makes love kinda scary.

But that's what it is. And then after realizing that I realized, "Oh my gosh, my mom loves me this much? Holy Cow! I should totally buy her more presents!"

 Anyway, yay moms!

And yay trees!  I'm gonna take this branch home with me.  YOU CAN'T STOP ME LOOK AT HOW CUTE MY CHEEKS ARE.

My mother's day was really great and fun, up until the point I roofied myself and then took the family to Target.  Nothing says I'm-a-good-mom like falling asleep in the soap aisle while my baby and her dad wait for me at the checkout.

Uh oh, Mom's passed out again.

The thing is, I don't like taking medications at all.  Aside from Advil I try to stay away from the stuff, but I've been super sick for about a week and I really wanted to enjoy the gorgeous day yesterday so I took some sort of allergy pill and washed it down with a celebratory mimosa and suddenly I'm stumbling around like I just snorted Vicodin mixed with Ambien.  My boyfriend was all, "What is going on with you?  Are you on heroin?"  I was seriously at a point where things started to get ridiculous. Like, I knew I couldn't handle myself and I really wanted it to stop but not matter how many M&M's I ate I couldn't stop the waves of sleepy.  I could never be a drug addict.  They don't make enough candy.

Don't worry Mom, you just keep napping in the sun, I'll throw the ball for the dog.  I got this.

Ahoy!

So, I found this eye patch Adeline got as a party favor and put it on and it made her laugh so much to see me all pirate-y that for a good ten minutes all I did was say "Arrrr!".  I stopped only because it was her bedtime, otherwise I could have Arrr-ed my way into the night.

(Your mom arrrr's into the night)

(hey-o)

My daughter, she thinks it's hysterical that her mother could possibly be missing an eye, or worse!, have a mangled, sunken spot where the eye used to be, but now has to be covered with a patch because occasionally you can hear the sea through the pirate eye spot.

Weaning

Warning: This post is boob-heavy.

Or boob-unheavy depending on how you look at it.

You know how I look at it?  I went from a C cup to an A cup over motherlovin' night!  As if it's not emotional enough to be weaning, you have to add on to it boobs so small they make my bras sad.

You know what's not sad?  Bike riding in the snow!  Bike riding in the snow is awesome!  

YAY MAKING THE MOST OF IT.

Adeline has sort of been weaning herself, she lets me know she's done by doing things like popping off my boob and staring at anyone and everything that moves thus leaving me exposed to neighbors, friends, grocery store clerks, whomever.  And when she's not making me the soon-to-be-infamous Bozeman Flasher, she's too busy clawing my stomach and chest as if it were silly putty to actually nurse or anything important like that.

No time for boobs mom, I got lounging to do!

Breastfeeding is hard and time consuming and sometimes super painful but now that I'm almost done with it I'm getting super sad that it's almost over.  It's like my tiny little baby isn't so tiny anymore, and while that is good because it means her cheeks are getting chubbier (better for chewing on), it's just one step closer to her being sixteen and embarrassed that I tried to get my groove on with the hot janitor while chaperoning her Junior Prom , even though I will sooooo be able to still get my booty shaking in da club.  Holla!  Ya heard.

Although I'll be doing it in one of her training bras from when she was eleven because apparently after you have a baby boobs just DISAPPEAR INTO NOTHINGNESS.

*sigh*

Good thing she's adorable.

I love driving my car in the bathroom!

Bathroom car time is the best time!