Childhood Joys

I talk to my sister every day.  When you talk to someone that often and you don't live in the same town or see the same people, typically what you end up talking about it TV, and then the rest of the time is spent with silence, listening to the other person breathe while you do chores around the house because you don't want to hang up but you have nothing else to talk about.  Well, that's what it's like for us anyway.  We do the standard catch up with our family, did-you-hear-what-your-mother-said sort of stuff, but mainly we end up talking about what happened on Dexter (because OHMYGOD Deb WHAT IS HAPPENING?!), or Grey's Anatomy (I swear Shonda, you make me cry more than anyone has ever made a person cry.  Not even when I went through that horrible breakup and listened to James Blunt on a loop for like a year straight, and then realized I wasn't sad anymore, but James Blunt is pretty much like the vocal equivalent to watching Bambi's mom get shot over and over and over again).

But today was different.  I don't know if it was something in the air or what, but today we didn't even talk about TV, we talked a lot about death, and childhood, and murderers, and childhood murderers, and being taken - like in that Liam Neeson movie where they kidnap the girl and drug her and sell her into slavery.  We started talking about how sad it was that our Grandma's friends and relatives keep dying and how awful that must be and then my sister said:

"Yeah, everything after childhood sucks."

Because she's bright and peppy.

But I knew what she meant.  What she meant was being an adult is hard.  Responsibility and bills and stuff, it sucks sometimes.  And we were very lucky because our parents did a really good job of trying to get us to enjoy our childhood.  Like they repeatedly told me not to wish I was 30, to enjoy the freedom of childhood, but to me childhood was not freedom, it was shackles.  I wanted to pay bills and carry a briefcase and have short terse conversations on the phone, then slam it down and buzz my secretary to get China on the line.  I didn't know what I wanted to do, or how I would get there, I just wanted to be in an office acting important because it seemed so cool.

And when I wasn't wishing I was taking important business calls from other countries, I was too busy being scared most of my childhood to enjoy it.

I'm not sure why, we didn't ever watch scary movies or anything, but for some reason my sister and I both had an unnatural fear of constantly being murdered.  Like, I was terrified of being murdered, probably through High School. Every night was just a battle to make it to morning alive, and every morning was a groggy slog through the day, dreading the impending doom of night.

B: "Maybe it's a kid thing.  Just overactive imaginations."

A: "I don't think every kid was always sure they were about to be murdered by someone in their closet, or hiding in the bathroom, or that Dad wasn't really Dad, he was someone impersonating Dad and he was going to slit our throats at night"

B: "Yeah.  Well, at least we grew out of it.  I mean, I don't think anyone is going to kill me anymore."

A: "Yeah, maybe it is just a kid thing.  Like we grew up and stopped being so self-centered, because really, we're not important enough to be murdered."

B: "Hey!  I'm important!  People wanna kill me all the time."


Anyway, my point in this whole thing is that yes - childhood is a magical time that should be enjoyed because shit does hit the fan once you get older.  Not that getting older sucks, on the contrary, but there is something so fantastic about being a kid that should not be ignored, or wished away.  And the good the about having kids is that you get to kind of have a do-over.  Like, Adeline is so happy most of the time, she laughs at everything.  And she's so excited by little things, and that makes me so happy and excited.  Normally, I would not find it hysterical to poke her father's belly button for a half an hour straight, but because she just discovered it, and won't stop giggling while she's doing it, it cracks me up.  Also, typically I would not find it hysterical to walk the dog around the house on his leash, but watching her do it is the best thing in the whole world because she is so thrilled that he's following her.

So maybe that's what it is for me.  I made it through childhood so I could have kids of my own and enjoy it even more.  Not so scary if you look at it that way.

Discovering that the tissue just KEEPS ON COMING.  It made such a mess, but I didn't stop her because it was too dang cute.

Hysterical laughter after discovering Dad's belly button.  Oh the joy.

Will not let us eat our own popsicles.  Girlfriend takes huge chunks out and then makes a face like she just swallowed a cat because it's so cold and sour, before she dives in for the next bite. (Not that cats are cold and sour, i just mean she made a weird face ok)

Doctor's Visits

Now that she's walking we cannot get that little girl to stop.  Even when I put her in her crib for a nap she stands right up and has to do laps in it before she collapses into a heap from total walking exhaustion.  Last night she found a roll of toilet paper and decided to walk it around the house, like it was her pet or something.  She took that think from room to room at least a dozen times all extremely serious about the whole thing.  Like, "Ok toilet paper, this is mom and dad's room. This is their bathroom.  This is the kitchen. OH MY GOSH!  I almost forgot!  This is the closet!  That was a close one.  Ok, continuing on..."  She wanted to take the toilet paper into the bathtub with her but I assured her that would end the tour forever.

This is typically what she looks like all the time:

Just a giant blur.  I feel like if she stops I won't even recognize her anymore.  

Also, we just had her one year shots and check up! (Yeah we're running a little late here - someone got hit by a car people, give me a break.) (Yeah that was like a month after I made the appointment late but still.)  She's in the 91st percentile for height, the 73rd for weight, and about the same for her head.  And then they brought in the shots.  I'm not squeamish at all about that stuff.  Like, I'll watch them draw my blood, needle going in and all, and will have no problems with it, but when the nurse brought in the shots for Adeline I almost lost my shit.  I wanted to swipe everything off the counter while screaming, "DON'T TOUCH MY BABY WITH THAT NEEDLE YOU MONSTER!!!!"  Sometimes that mommy-instinct thing kicks in at the weirdest times.  She can put seven little rocks in her mouth and I'm totally cool, but a nurse coming in to do her job and I nearly murder someone.  But I didn't.  I held it together.  And Addie screamed her head off until the nurse showed her a lollipop and then her head exploded with happiness.   She's never had a sucker before, and oh my gosh was she in heaven.

Sticky, sticky, gross, sticky heaven.

And because of the sucker we started brushing her teeth!  Which she loves!

Even if she is drunk while doing it.

Beyond Glad Everything Is Ok

So, I meant to write the other day but then the father of my child got hit by a car while riding his bike.

Yeah.

HIT BY A CAR.

He's ok, everything is fine.  But we're all on a lot of pain meds and we've spent enough time in the ER to last us forever.

Emotions and logic are really weird, because as soon as I saw he was ok and alive I was so mad I could have killed him.  Mad because how dare he scare us and get in a situation where we might not . . . whatever.  You know what I mean.  It may seem illogical to get mad at someone who has just been run over, but you don't have a baby with them.  Talk to me when that happens.  Once you have a baby with someone you're allowed to be mad at them for all kinds of irrational things.  The blankets are one the bed the wrong way.  Socks should not be put away inside out.  And no getting HIT BY CARS.  Love is a tricky emotion people.

Anyway, to lighten the mood this is the video I showed him in the ER.  We watched it many times.

Catch Up

I went to the store today and bought some lipstick.  I haven't worn lipstick since 1997, and now I know why.  I was walking down the makeup aisle when I noticed Adeline had something in her mouth so big she could barely close her lips, and her hands were already reaching for something else. I think this is a baby form of shoplifting, putting things in your mouth.  It's very juvenile.  You can't steal anything good in your mouth, baby!  Use some imagination!

Anyway, after a big struggle I got the thing out of her mouth and it was a cherry red lipstick, and I thought, "Huh.  Maybe I should wear lipstick!" So, I paid for it (trying to set an example here) and put it on.  It looked good in the car but inside - inside I look like a transvestite. 

And that's why I don't wear lipstick.  Because somehow eye makeup is ok, but lipstick makes me look like a  cheap tranny about to do an awful rendition of It's Raining Men for the early bird diners.  Even Addie wouldn't let me hold her while I had it on.

Anyway, that shit's getting returned.    

So, I'm back on the regular posting.  I promise.  For a quick update here's the quick details:

Adeline got chubby, dropped out of rehab and is hanging out with Lindsey Lohan.

(Just kidding, but that picture cracks me up so much.  She looks like a Belushi.)

Someone started walking all over the place!  Girlfriend will be hanging out with me and then two seconds later is across the house dropping our toothbrushes in the toilet.  Mobility is fun!

I don't know if you can see it in this picture, but the lady got totally nailed by the cat on the forehead. The scratch was sort of in the shape of a lightening bolt.  She's like a little Harry Potter.  With less sorcery.

She loves playing at parks! Except in this picture she's asking me to help her out of the tube.  She gets stuck in weird places.  As you can see, she's not actually stuck.  She just thinks she is.  

Ohmygod mawm!  I totally just ate your paperclip!

Someone got sick for the first time.  Like really sick.  High fevers, no eating, the whole deal.  Of course it was the one weekend her father went on a backpacking trip with no cell service.  And then my family came in town to celebrate her birthday.  It was a sad affair.  She spent three days clinging to me.  A sick child is the saddest thing ever.  

And then the fever broke and she got better!  Yay drugs!!

The moral of the story is, don't wear lipstick unless you know you can pull it off.  Lipgloss is fine.  Lipstick though, that makes me look like a carny. 

Happy Birthday One Year Old

This time last year I was all strung out on endorphins, smiling at everyone, not a care in the world that there were stitches in my lady parts, or that my nipples were minutes away from becoming giant blisters of searing pain because I had just given birth to this adorable, wrinkled, little thing who changed my life and my vagina forever.

One Year Ago.

This Morning.  One Year Old.

This morning I woke up and could not believe it has been a year already.  I remember giving birth like it was yesterday.  Ladies who say you forget all the pain and everything are flat out lying liars of lies.  I remember.  I remember well.  But maybe what they mean is that more than the labor, what I remember is the feeling the minute, no, the second she was out because Oh. My. God. it is seriously one of the most incredibly magical feelings in the world.  The happiness and love I felt not just for Adeline but for everyone within a five thousand mile radius of me was amazing.  I still to this day feel like I could kiss our delivery nurse on the lips if I ever see her again for being so kind and helpful.  And the doctor who had half her arm up in my vajage?  I'd make her a Thanksgiving dinner every single Thursday if she asked me to.

 Just thinking about it makes me tear up, because I'm still just so happy I got pregnant that one day when we didn't mean for it to happen because that little sucker has rocked my world with cuteness, and love, and happiness, and constant laughter, and a joy in things I never thought could be joyful, like a toothbrush, and toothy smiles, and discovering the whole world - I mean she's discovering the world.  For the first time.  And it is amazing.  It is so amazing to see her figure out that if she lets a ball drop it bounces.  IT BOUNCES PEOPLE!  And the giggle and repetition of that is so much fun I can't stand it, and she loves us, and she loves the dog, and she loves the cat, and she loves her family, and she really, really, really loves her Hello Kitty dressed as a bunny doll, so much that it's black and sticky with her love, and sometimes this, all of this, it's heartbreaking, and hard, and tedious, and exhausting, and I've never worried so much about something in my entire life because she's my baby, and she's so fragile, but she's also so amazingly strong, and tough, and honest, and moody, but mainly happy, and I don't say this lightly, I am truly a better person because of her.  EVERY ONE GETS THANKSGIVING ALL THE DAYS!!!

Anyway, it's her birthday.

Happy Birthday Baby Cakes.  Mama loves you more than you'll ever know.  Until maybe you have a daughter of your own one day, and then you might get the gist.  But probably not.

Dolla Bills Ya'll

Adeline's new fav thing to do is take everything out of my wallet and chuck it as hard as she can behind her as if examining each piece and then deciding it's not worthy of her slobber, until she finds a five dollar bill that was probably once in a stripper's crabby g-string and that is the object she shoves in her mouth.  It's a good thing she gets her shots because girlfriend would eat a dirty needle if she could find one.

Which is making our mornings a little more stressful than we'd like.

Why's that, you ask?  Well, because the first thing that happens in the morning is that the sunlight comes shooting through the windows only to shine light on the decapitated bird James has left at the foot of the bed, or the mouse entrails lining the bathroom floor, or the bird/mouse bloody combo piled on the middle of the floor like he's about to make a sacrificial bonfire of awful.  So instead of lounging in bed and taking in the morning with relaxation and happiness, we awake in a mad rush to clean up blood and guts before our baby eats it all.  Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a weird episode of Sarah Palin's My Alaska.  It's sort of a nightmare.

Anyway, one day Adeline will be old enough to clean up the body parts all on her own, at which point I will buy her her own tiny pair of rubber gloves and celebrate.  Until then, I'm not so worried about the money eating.  At least that doesn't leave a stain.

Floppy Hats and All Kinds of Discoveries

So, the other day I sent this text out to a few of my friends:


"Just took a bath with Addie where she discovered my nipples and spent the rest of the bath trying to pull them off.  Then she peed on me.  Felt a little bit like college."



And that, my friends, is why I don't have twitter.

Because no one needs that kind of information broadcast to the entire world.

(Yes, I do pretend my blog is a secret.  I have to, otherwise I'd never write anything due to embarrassing the people I live with.)


So, yeah, Adeline is discovering all kinds of stuff.  Nipples, electrical outlets, that it's crazy fun to unroll the toilet paper and shred it into horrible, melting to the walls-like confetti every time her mom takes a shower, EVERY TIME, even though she should wise up and just hide all the toilet paper for the rest of ever if she had any sense but apparently she doesn't and also, oh my gosh, she's just so cute when she's destroying the house!

I do not know what you mean "destroy". I only helps.

She's so much fun right now, and so into everything.  This morning when I took a shower, after she was done murdering the toilet paper, she left the bathroom yelling, "Goo ga di BA DI GAH!" which is her typical war cry, and then I didn't hear her for a while which meant a) I could enjoy the rest of my shower without a tiny, crazed lunatic yelling at me to "Gaggity GOOBERS!!!!" as she peeks into the shower like a creeper; and also b) that there was a chance she'd be choking on something in the corner of my bedroom and I couldn't hear her because she was no longer breathing.  This is my biggest fear when I can't hear her anymore.  Needless to say I jumped out of the shower and ran around my room, dripping wet, and screaming "Ba gah gooder DIGAR?" (because I think it'll help me find her if I talk to her like that?), and I could Not. Find. Her. 

My next totally rational fear?  She has simply disappeared into thin air.  She's the first human that can actually travel through time and space and she can't control it yet because duh, she's a baby, so she's lost in New Mexico, or worse, real Mexico somewhere and I won't be able to find her because I CAN'T APPARATE.  

Yeah, that's right, I actually thought that.  Granted it was only for like a split second, but still.  Mama might need some drugs.

Anyway, I pulled my shit together (slightly) and still dripping soap and water everywhere, my deflated-balloon-like mommy parts swaying in the wind, I ran into the closet, even though I'd already checked there because I had a slightly helpful thought, "Baby small.  Baby hide under things."  (I talk to myself like a caveman when I'm panicked.)  And lo and behold, there she was, hiding under my hanging clothes, with a firm grasp on one part of the cat's tail, while the very end of the tail was snug inside of her grinning little mouth.  

My daughter everyone, Sneaky McSneaks A Lot.

                                                       

Boy is she lucky that cat is nice, or I'm fairly certain she'd be blind right now.

                                                     

Huh.  I did not think about that.

The good news is if she ever hangs out with the Kardashians she's got the sunglasses inside down pat.

                                                      

Hahahaaaaaaa, it's so wrong, but that chubby, raspberry covered face kills me!  CHUBBY CHEEKS!

Oh, also she's in a new phase where she wants her floppy outdoor hat on all the time.  Even first thing in the morning.  It's pretty quirky and pretty fucking adorable.

                                                           

I only eat breakfast in my hat Mother.  

I know, I know, I don't match.  I also don't care.  THIS HAT FOR LIFE!

Who is this thing and why is she always wearing that dang hat?

Even Bob is intrigued by it.  I mean really, who isn't?