Mother's Day

I hope everyone had a really great Mother's Day!

A quick shout out to my mom: Thanks for being such a great mom! Also, now that I'm a mom I want to apologize. You know, for my years 12-16. Give or take a decade. I love you!

Being a parent is so crazy because you suddenly realize what you thought was love before is really nothing. It's so tiny compared to what you feel for your babies. Even if they are puking, crying little monsters - you love them more than anything in the world. As my aunt puts it, "You've joined the I-would-kill-for-you club".

She makes love kinda scary.

But that's what it is. And then after realizing that I realized, "Oh my gosh, my mom loves me this much? Holy Cow! I should totally buy her more presents!"

 Anyway, yay moms!

And yay trees!  I'm gonna take this branch home with me.  YOU CAN'T STOP ME LOOK AT HOW CUTE MY CHEEKS ARE.

My mother's day was really great and fun, up until the point I roofied myself and then took the family to Target.  Nothing says I'm-a-good-mom like falling asleep in the soap aisle while my baby and her dad wait for me at the checkout.

Uh oh, Mom's passed out again.

The thing is, I don't like taking medications at all.  Aside from Advil I try to stay away from the stuff, but I've been super sick for about a week and I really wanted to enjoy the gorgeous day yesterday so I took some sort of allergy pill and washed it down with a celebratory mimosa and suddenly I'm stumbling around like I just snorted Vicodin mixed with Ambien.  My boyfriend was all, "What is going on with you?  Are you on heroin?"  I was seriously at a point where things started to get ridiculous. Like, I knew I couldn't handle myself and I really wanted it to stop but not matter how many M&M's I ate I couldn't stop the waves of sleepy.  I could never be a drug addict.  They don't make enough candy.

Don't worry Mom, you just keep napping in the sun, I'll throw the ball for the dog.  I got this.

Ahoy!

So, I found this eye patch Adeline got as a party favor and put it on and it made her laugh so much to see me all pirate-y that for a good ten minutes all I did was say "Arrrr!".  I stopped only because it was her bedtime, otherwise I could have Arrr-ed my way into the night.

(Your mom arrrr's into the night)

(hey-o)

My daughter, she thinks it's hysterical that her mother could possibly be missing an eye, or worse!, have a mangled, sunken spot where the eye used to be, but now has to be covered with a patch because occasionally you can hear the sea through the pirate eye spot.

Weaning

Warning: This post is boob-heavy.

Or boob-unheavy depending on how you look at it.

You know how I look at it?  I went from a C cup to an A cup over motherlovin' night!  As if it's not emotional enough to be weaning, you have to add on to it boobs so small they make my bras sad.

You know what's not sad?  Bike riding in the snow!  Bike riding in the snow is awesome!  

YAY MAKING THE MOST OF IT.

Adeline has sort of been weaning herself, she lets me know she's done by doing things like popping off my boob and staring at anyone and everything that moves thus leaving me exposed to neighbors, friends, grocery store clerks, whomever.  And when she's not making me the soon-to-be-infamous Bozeman Flasher, she's too busy clawing my stomach and chest as if it were silly putty to actually nurse or anything important like that.

No time for boobs mom, I got lounging to do!

Breastfeeding is hard and time consuming and sometimes super painful but now that I'm almost done with it I'm getting super sad that it's almost over.  It's like my tiny little baby isn't so tiny anymore, and while that is good because it means her cheeks are getting chubbier (better for chewing on), it's just one step closer to her being sixteen and embarrassed that I tried to get my groove on with the hot janitor while chaperoning her Junior Prom , even though I will sooooo be able to still get my booty shaking in da club.  Holla!  Ya heard.

Although I'll be doing it in one of her training bras from when she was eleven because apparently after you have a baby boobs just DISAPPEAR INTO NOTHINGNESS.

*sigh*

Good thing she's adorable.

I love driving my car in the bathroom!

Bathroom car time is the best time!

Snack Time

Do not judge me, but I just ate about ten of Addie's teething cookies.

That shit is delicious!

Uh Mom, did you just eat my cookies like a total thieving little theif?

Yes, but to be fair. . . it's snowing outside.  SNOWING.  And I'm not allowed to eat chocolate, the least you can do is share your cookies.  

Oh good point!  Yay teething cookies!  And as a side note, thanks for not freaking out too bad when I bit your nipple with my sharp little fangs this morning!

You're welcome!  Now, get out of my way, I want to see what those baby Puffs taste like.

Verdict: they taste delicious.  Baby food is really good y'all.  And when you're snowed in at the end of April you'll pretty much take your desserts where you can get 'em, ya heard?

Vegan. Except That I Still Eat Meat.

So, Adeline spits up. A lot. I know you've heard it because I tell everyone. I tell friends, family, doctors, and strangers, and mainly that's just to apologize for when she does it on them. For some reason people who don't know you, do not think it's adorable when your eight month old pukes purple goo onto their new shoes. Haters.

I'll just eat my banana like a big girl then throw it up later on something you've had recently cleaned.  You're welcome!

Since it doesn't seem to bother her and she's not losing any weight our doctor was kinda like, "Eh, she'll grow out of it." And then right after her brushed it off she puked into a dixie cup she was playing with, and because she's a baby, she then shook the puke-filled dixie cup and suddenly time warped and everything went into slow motion because I knew what was about to happen, and I looked over at our doctor who took a second too long to figure out what was going to happen and suddenly we were both like, "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" in a deep slow motion voice where your mouth opens and closes like seven times to get the no out, and then - ta da! Me and Adeline were covered in puke! Somehow our doctor managed to avoid the spray (cloak of invisibility?) but me? Oh, no. I got baby puke in places I didn't even know existed. Sometimes it shows up the way sand does in your crotch after you've gotten back from the beach and showered, but then later that night you go to the bathroom and half the oceanfront comes out of your underwear and you're like, "Where the hell did that come from!?"

A lady does not talk about such thing Mama.  Please control yourself at the races.

So anyway, this happened a few times at a few different doctor's visits before he was like, "Ok, we need to figure this shit out."  (Ok, he didn't say that.  But sometimes I wish he would talk like that.  It would make him the best doctor ever.) And we toyed with a bunch of different ideas, and I very much did not want to give her medication if I didn't have to and he agreed so what we decided was no dairy for two weeks to rule out a dairy allergy.

Seems simple enough.  Until you take into consideration I can't have dairy for two weeks because I still breastfeed.  This may not seem hard, until you start it and realize dairy is in everything!!!  So for a week and a half I've had no butter, no cheese, no chocolate, nothing made with butter, cheese, or chocolate, no ice cream, no cookies, and no happiness.

It's been a rough road, but it's worth it if it'll help keep regurgitated food out of my hair for a few hours at a time.  I'll let you know how it goes come Monday, that's when the two weeks is up, but rest assured I will be writing to you from a bathtub full of shredded cheese and ice cream, and I'm not leaving 'til I eat my way out of it!

Also, it's so warm and gorgeous here right now.  If it snows this weekend I can not be held responsible for murder.

Thumbs up Mama!  Spring rules!

I JUST ATE GRASS!

You don't need ice cream Mama, you have me.  Cute, precious, adorable, chubby cheeked little me.

Snaggletooth

Ok, I'm for real getting back on the blogging tip! Starting now!

So, I babysat yesterday for a ten month old. Which means I had a ten month old and an eight month old all day long, and also I DIDN'T DIE! Yay me!



Also, I now have so much more respect for my mom (who had two sets of twins)(TWO). Before I was all, "Pshh twins, what's the big deal, stop whining!" and now I'm all, "OHMYGOD they want to be held at the same time, they want to be fed at the same time, they want to be changed at the same time, and for unknown reasons they both want me to look them in the eye at the same time and I JUST CAN'T DO IT no matter how googly I make my eyes so I just keep going back and forth between their demanding (yet gorge) little baby eyes like a ping pong ball and can get them to stop shrieking for a second at a time in a weird symphony of baby yells so it's like - look, one cries, look, other cries, look, other cries, look, other, look, other, lookotherlookotherlooktoher galksdjfa;lsdjfo;sjdf!"

But it turned out to be fun. For Adeline and me. She's so used to having boring old me to entertain her that having a friend over was like the best thing ever. And then, glory be to all glories, I somehow managed to get them both to nap at the same time and I practically jumped out of my skin with happiness and self proudness with. . . myself. I sat down, poured a glass of wine* and whispered to myself, "Yes. Am amazing babysitter. Can handle anything! Am baby mother fucking whisperer!"

*(but did not drink it as it was only 1pm, and I was babysitting - I poured it just as a little reminder of what I deserved later that night) (then I spilled half the thing trying to pour it back in the bottle because I wasn't so sure my saran wrap would hold for the rest of the day) (slash I didn't trust myself)


And then the other little baby went home and we resumed our usual cuteness.



And toothbrushing.



She loves brushing her teeth.

Well, technically she loves chewing on it and puking on it. I really hope daddy remembers not to use that one.



So yeah, she has three teeth. Well, she either has three or she has two and one of them is just huge and stabby. Her new nickname is Snaggletooth.




She's the cutest little Snaggletooth ever! Even when she bites me and draws blood. BLOOD. Sometimes having a baby is more painful than having a baby. But worth it.

My Baby Set To Music

They see me rollin', they hatin'.



Patrolin' they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.




Sorry I haven't written much lately because we've had a lot of visitors recently (well, that and I discovered The Walking Dead)(Which I can only watch during the day because it's too scary to watch at night - I'm already afraid of Addie now because she can get a little growly and starts clawing at me and I'm like, "Don't scratch me I don't want to turn into a walker!" I half expect to have to start bashing in zombie brains AT ANY MOMENT, and have established various escape routes in case my house gets attacked.)


Anyway, I'll get back to it soon. For now, please enjoy Adeline enjoying this super sour pickle.