With my first kid I was a wreck. I freaked out. I got up
to watch her breathing at night, I constantly worried about how cold she might
be, I cried when I left her with my husband the first seven (hundred) times so
that I could run to the store because I was sure she thought I was abandoning
her.
I calmed down a tiny bit the older she got, but life was
still really hard. There was still this human I had to take care of All The
Time. And then I got pregnant again. And things were harder because now I had
to take care of a human and spend most of my life throwing up.
With two of them, life was incredibly difficult! I
worried constantly about who was getting more attention, and if I was loving
them the same amount. I had double the kids to feed and bathe and care for but
not double the me.
And then I got pregnant again and found out it was twins.
I pretty much started googling ways I could commit myself to anywhere. A looney
bin. A psych ward. Even prison would be a welcome relief. Food cooked for me, a
comfy uniform, and a bedtime – yes please!
It turns out though, having four kids is way easier than
having one. Or even two. Because by the time three and four come around, there
is no more time. There’s no time for freaking out, or having a hard day, or
brushing your hair. Yes, I still have all those days, but I don’t have time to
remember them, so that’s nice.
If you were considering having more than one, I’d say go
for it, and here’s why:
1. Less Worry About Everything
I used to be so worried my second daughter wasn’t eating
enough that I literally hand fed her every bite of her food while I distracted
her with TV shows. Now with three other mouths to feed three times a day, about
15 loads of laundry to do a week, and four hundred and twenty-five diapers to
change a month, I typically just throw some food in her general direction and
hope she finds it. Also, things like crying, falling down, bumps on heads,
fevers – they don’t faze me for a second. Unless it’s gushing blood or above
104.5 they’re fine with a Band-Aid and some Tylenol. Call me when you need
stitches, I have laundry to fold.
2. Complete and Total Vaginal Destruction
This may seem like an argument against having four kids, but
it’s not. After one birth your vagina gets just the slightest bit messed up. A
stranger might not be able to tell, but you know and still have Nam-like
flashbacks of that head lodged in there for thirty freaking minutes, and it
messes with your vaginal-psyche a bit. But you have four kids, and it’s done.
Game over. There’s no pretending anymore, and no one will blame you for one
single second because that V created a whole bunch of life.
3. People Are Legally Not Allowed to Get Mad at You
There’s this universal shift in the world where suddenly
everyone is under the impression you “have your hands full.” I hear this phrase
at least five times a day, usually by complete strangers. Maybe in the prairie
days could they imagine such a huge clan, but in this day and age, four kids?
That’s mayhem! That’s anarchy! That’s a whole lot of freakin’ kids! So they
start off everything they think about you with, “Isn’t she amazing! She has
four kids and she was only fifteen minutes late!” Forget to return your library
books? “Oh don’t worry about it! You have four kids!” I can literally do
everything people are forgiving me for, and am always taken aback that I am not
being treated like a normal person just because I have a gaggle of kids, but if
it means not being in trouble for eating my co-worker’s last Girl Scout cookie,
I’ll take it.
4. People Allow That Yoga Pants Are Acceptable Attire
Everywhere And At Any Time
Because, four kids. See above.
5. Great for Increasing Rote Memory Skills
You know how surgeons have to practice their stitches and
incisions repetitively on cadavers and whatnot, blindfolded* so that surgery
eventually becomes second nature to them? That’s what being a mom of a boatload
of kids is like. I don’t even have to think about diapering a baby anymore, I
could pretty much do that in my sleep. In fact, I often do do that in my sleep.
Which is a great skill to have, because I don’t like to wake up at 3am.
(*I don’t know if this is actually true, I get all my
medical information from Grey’s Anatomy.)
6. Saves Marriages
I’m not one for the “we stayed together for the kids”
thing. I believe you should live the happiest life you can and from that your
kids will be happier. Unless you have four kids. If you have four kids trying
to do it alone is like trying to empty out the Titanic with a soda can. You’ll
never bail it out fast enough! And that’s why my husband and I will be together
forever, Amen.
7. Four Times the Love
This one is obvious, but so incredibly true. If one kid
can bring so much heart-bursting, mind-melting love, imagine how full you would
be with four. It truly is almost unbearable how much love there is. Anyway you
strike it, being a parent is great. But being a parent of four is great, great,
great, great.
Until they all hit puberty at the same time. Then I’m in
trouble.
